


Work In Progress

by orphan_account



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Autism, Depression, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, Flashbacks, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Meep Morps (Steven Universe), Not Canon Compliant, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, but it follows the story loosely, eventually, other tags added as needed, probably
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2020-11-24 18:08:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 30,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20911883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: I saw a post on tumblr about how Lapis and Peridot forgave each other too easily in the show and how SU can show more of being angry with a forgiveness arc and I just loved the idea.Lapis Lazuli is breaking from the inside out. Something dark lives inside her, and it's getting harder and harder to deal with it. Trapped in an endless cycle of flashbacks and repressing memories, she just tries to live to see the next day. Peridot is struggling with finding her place on Earth and amongst the Crystal Gems. It's gotten lonely living in the barn, and despite her successes with the Cluster mission, she's finding it difficult to belong with the group that's fought for Earth from the beginning. Maybe if Lapis moves into the barn, they can begin to heal together.





	1. Barn Mates?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so as I said in the summary I just saw the post and went, gotta write it. It's definitely gonna be much darker than the show, and I've kinda decided canon is a bit too limiting to stick to, so it's in the universe, but maybe an alternate timeline. As of right now, this is looking like a pretty long fic that will cover the Barnie side of Steven Universe, from Barn Mates until the movie, and maybe even into the Future! I also have some theories of why gems are the way they are (as in their society, why they are light forms, etc.) that I'll probably pepper in. 
> 
> Anyway, this is a kind of introductory chapter surrounding some of Lapis' trauma on Homeworld and while fused with Malachite (hence the Jasper/Lapis tag) and ending with some of Barn Mates!
> 
> TW: Depictions of torture and abuse. Please let me know if I missed anything!

Lapis POV

_ When I reformed, I was sitting against the wall of a Yellow cell, my wings bound in my gem, hands cuffed to the bind. The sensations of being trapped again sent a violent shiver through my form. Bound tightly around my gem was a solid light bind, engineered to allow gems to form but not summon their weapons or use their powers. They had originally been created for Moonstones that emerged with the rare power of being able to bend light itself, wreaking havoc across many colonies, and coming close to threatening The Authority’s power. Ever since then, all Moonstones were immediately tested upon emergence, and if they had the power, they were shattered. _

_ Shattered. I had come so close to being shattered in a cell very similar to this one. All around, I could hear the steady whining of the discorporating fields and the groans and screams of the other gems caged in the cells of the Yellow Dungeons. The reality of it all came rushing down around me, like I had been tied down under the tallest waterfall. Struggling to think, I stood up to pace in the hopes it’d feel less confining. _

_ Or I tried. My light bind had been chained to the wall with oclium, one of the strongest Era 1 metals gems could forge. In a panic, I tried to yank it free, but a searing pain ripped through me as the bind squeezed down around my gem.  _

_ I screamed, sagging . The pain was almost as intense as- _

_ The disincorporating field fell, two blurry gems walked in, and it reappeared. I blinked back the tears that had formed. A Yellow Agate sneered down at me, holding a long black baselard with a crackling yellow tip in her hand. She looked thrilled to be there. The other gem looked like a Peridot, but everything about her was wrong. Her limbs were all made of metal, and an electronic visor covered half of her face, streaming data constantly. She faltered a step as one of her legs jammed. _

_ “Hello,” The Peridot’s voice was nasally, almost close to what a perfect Yellow Pearl would sound like. “Please state your name, facet, and cut for the record.” _

_ Despite the terror thrumming through my gem, I couldn’t help but notice the Peridot’s features. Even with the metal extremities, she was a physically appealing gem. Apparently 6,000 years in a mirror warps the mind a little. _

_ “Speak when you are spoken to you shoddy piece of coprolite!” The Agate snarled, prodding me with her weapon. It burned a little, leaving pinpricks of fire coursing through my gem. Lip curling, I glared up at the offending gem. Oh if only the light bind wasn’t so strong. I could feel the water in pipes running by, the humidity in the air, but I couldn’t get a hold on it. All I needed was a moment, and I would be able to- _

_ The weapon stabbed into my thigh, sending white hot jolts of electricity through my form. I choked out a cry as my leg started to destabilize. Her weapon was stronger than the average Agate’s. Or she’d somehow managed to modify it. _

_ “I said, speak when you are-” _

_ “I believe that is enough Agate.” The Peridot cut her off, distaste and disgust marring her face. “Control yourself or I will have you replaced.” _

_ The Agate immediately pulled the baselard from my leg. I gasped from the shock, tears burning my eyes. For a moment, I thought my whole leg would disincorporate, but I should have known better. It took much more than a little pain like that to disintegrate my form. I’d gotten soft. _

_ “Now you,” The Peridot rounded back on me, annoyance emanating off of her. “Name. Facet. Cut. For the record please. I have a schedule to stick to and you are beginning to waste my time.” _

_ For a moment, I considered ignoring her again, but the Agates weapon really had hurt, and I didn’t feel like dealing with her at the moment. _

_ “Lapis Lazuli. Facet uhm… Facet-9H4Y Cut-6CJ?” _

_ “Are you unsure?” She snapped, squinting at me through a report on her visor. _

_ “No, yeah I’m sure.” For some reason, I hadn’t been able to remember it immediately. But that just happened sometimes. For a moment, the two gems were silent, save for the steady crackle of the field. _

_ “9H4Y is not a recognized Lazuli facet.” Peridot frowned as she flicked through more reports. The baselard was stabbed into my other leg, but this time I was more prepared and barely flinched. “Please refrain from lying to me. Silver Agate has... permission to continue to torture you for any perceived infractions. Lying is an infraction.” _

_ I sucked in another breath, despite not really needing to breathe. Having something to focus on was good, and breathing was easy to put mental energy into.  _

_ “That’s right. Although this doesn’t seem to be botherin’ ya? Want me to turn it up a notch?” I gritted my teeth, eyes blazing as she increased the intensity of her weapon. A familiar itch tickled the back of my neck but I pushed it back. She grumbled when Peridot gave her a disapproving glare, but stopped the electric pulses. “Try again, pebble. And this time don’t lie. Or maybe ya should.” _

_ The cruel grin she gave me was almost as bad as- _

_ Nope don’t go there. Not now. _

_ “I am Facet 9H4Y. Cut 6CJ.” I gritted out. The grin turned into another ugly sneer, and she ripped the baselard out of my leg just to stab it into my abdomen, turning the intensity back up as high as it would go. With the bind on my gem, there was nothing I could do except sit there and take it.  _

_ “Why won’t you poof?” The Agate asked in shock. _

_ “I’ve felt worse,” I sneered back, smiling a feral grin. The itch grew stronger. All of a sudden, my head slammed backwards into the wall as she punched me over and over again. I could vaguely hear Peridot screaming something, and then the pain was gone.  _

_ ~~***~~ _

_ I blinked, groaning, and the room slowly came back into focus. _

_ “That took you long enough.” Peridot’s nasally voice grated against my ears. “I do not believe I have ever seen a gem go unconscious but stay formed. I guess I should thank you for giving me something interesting to study while I waited for you to regain awareness.” _

_ Too sluggish to really answer, I waited for the aggravating gem to continue. Slowly, my vision cleared enough to see her sitting along the opposite wall, legs crossed and floating fingers scrolling through reports, making notes, and fiddling with a pile of circuitry beside her. _

_ “While you were unconscious, I also had the chance to decrypt some reports of your facet and in turn, your kindergarten.” She paused, as if expecting me to give some sign that I cared where this was going. “You emerged around 15,800 years ago, on the planet Lazurite. Blue Diamond was hoping to create around 100 Lapis Lazulis with super terraforming abilities. _

_ “Instead she got a lot of defective, deformed, and frightening gems that were all shattered. All except you. From there the reports are conflicting. No one seems to agree on who the single flawless Lapis was or what she could do or why Blue Diamond deigned to spare her sorry gem when the rest of her cohort was smashed.  _

_ “And then you disappeared for over 5000 years. There was the odd report that claimed you flew past planets faster than light, but everyone knows Lazuli wings don’t work in a vacuum, not to mention they don’t have the ability to fly faster than their own form can feasibly sustain. And yet here you are. The infamous Lapis Lazuli, the terraforming war machine of Blue Diamond, her greatest pride and joy, gifted to Pink Diamond to terraform the Earth for her first colony. Ordered to fight for Pink Diamond and wipe the rebels off the face of that miserable rock. Declared missing in action. Presumed shattered in the Gem War when no one heard from you after 1000 years..” _ __   
  


_ “Stop.” I whispered, curling my knees to my chest. _

_ “What happened to you Lazuli?” I didn’t answer her. “Fine then. Tell me about Earth. You spent the last 6,000 years there after all, so you should have some good intelligence.” _

_ I stayed silent again. _

_ “Lapis if you do not tell me what I need to know, I will have no choice but to get an Agate guard. I would really rather not do that.” _

_ “Sure you don’t.”  _

_ “Excuse me?” For the first time since I’d seen her, the visor went blank and I could see her eyes clearly. “I do not wish for your torture Lazuli! I would much prefer you give me what you know so I can complete my mission in a timely fashion. I have enough to do already without the added complications of actually going to Earth! Oh I will have to rearrange everything!” _

_ “Whatever, Dot.”  _

_ “Excuse me!” She squawked like an angry Pearl as I snickered. “I am Peridot Facet 2F5L Cut 5XG! Please refrain from referring to me by any other misnomer!” _

_ “Look, I’m not talking to you about Earth. So you can either bring that schisty Agate back or you can shove a rock up your-” _

_ “Very well Lazuli,” She sighed as she stood. Her knee joint jammed again and she frowned down at it. “I did not want to torture you. I am sorry. Iris? Could you come in please?” _

_ A tall Iris Agate stepped inside and stared impassively at Peridot.  _

_ “I need this information from this Lazuli. Please refrain from disincorporating her.” Peridot’s arm scanned a list of questions onto a physical report for her, handed it over, and looked back at me. “Lapis?” _

_ “Leave the Agate to her toys, Dot.” Maybe this time it’d actually hurt. She growled in frustration, gathered up her circuitry, and stomped out of the cell. _

_ I’d like to say I lasted a long time. After all, The Authority did much worse to me, for much longer. But I was so tired of fighting. So when the cute Peridot with the odd limbs came back in after the Agate had tortured me within an inch of my form for days on end, I gave her most of what she wanted. _

_ ~~***~~ _

_ “Let’s go.” A giant Jasper tugged me along by the oclium chain. It had been a few days since Peridot had returned to my cell. Without being able to see the sun, it was hard to keep track. We had walked to one of the loading bays in the Yellow Dungeons where a green handship sat, idling. I tried to stop for a moment, but the chain was yanked on roughly, and my gem ached in protest.  _

_ “I said let’s go.” The Jasper repeated. I followed, staring at the orange behemoth. Even by Jasper standards, she was massive, with white hair so long it nearly dragged the floor. While Peridot was cute, this gem was smoking. Cutting off the unwarranted thoughts, I focused on keeping up with Jasper. _

_ Unsurprisingly, I was thrown into another cell, and after take off, I was left alone for a bit. But Jasper grew bored. The first time she came to my cell, she cut my hands free and we sparred for hours. When she left, the itch had effectively been scratched, and I could feel my whole form relax even though she had beaten me near senseless. It had been lonely in the cell. _

_ As the days continued, she kept coming back. I never managed to land a solid hit on her. Eventually, she just left me cuffed. Sometimes, Peridot occasionally watched our ‘sparring’, but she never stopped Jasper, never tried to step in when she got too rough. A few days before we got to Earth, I was lying on my stomach, trying to recover from another of Jasper’s matches when she came limping down the hall, a metal foot twisted nearly beyond repair. _

_ “I am sorry Lazuli.” Her voice was sad. “I can not stop her. She does not think she is needed on this mission and has decided you are an easy target for her anger. I-” _

_ “Save it, Dot.” I saw her wince, but couldn’t bring myself to care. She’d let Jasper do what she wanted, no matter what, so why should I worry about hurting her? _

_ “I emerged deformed and offcolor. At the end of Era 1, The Authority saw how wasteful the Gem War had been. Every rebel and shattered Loyalist had been a waste of materials. So they restricted how long a gem would incubate. Unfortunately, the result was this.” As she spoke, floating fingers were prodding the damaged foot. Suddenly, it released, revealing shortened a leg half the size of a normal Peridot’s. I sat up clumsily and raised an eyebrow. “I was one of the lucky Peridot’s. I still look like a uniform Peridot, I am just short. Others had legs or arms that were different lengths, and they were shattered. _

_ “It created a shortage of gems of all kinds, and after the War, The Authority decided wastefulness like that could never happen again. So they stopped injecting as many warrior caste gems too. Jasper is one of the last Jasper’s to have ever been formed. Rubies are easier; low cost, low waste. In the end, it forced gems to start Era 2, and we began developing ways to ‘fix’ the deformities.” _

_ She sighed and went back to fixing her broken foot. _

_ “You emerged deformed as well, did you not? As far as I can tell, your form is normal, but the reports all have some similarities that I could not ignore.” She was right, but I refused to give her the satisfaction of answering.  _

_ “I am truly sorry Lazuli. This should not have happened to you. Your kindergartner failed you, and it is not right.” _

__   
_   
_ __ “You’re not much better.” I grumbled. She started to defend herself, but I cut her off. “Nuh uh, Dot. You don’t know shist about me. You don’t know what I’ve been through. You sure as schist don’t know what I’ve done. Those reports don’t know the half of it. I deserve whatever they throw at me and more. If Jasper gets off on beating me formless, let her. You’re not gonna try to stop her anyway, so you might as well get rid of that shoddy guilty conscience too.”

_ She narrowed her eyes at me. “You use very coarse language Lazuli.” _

_ “This? This is nothing, Dot.” I chuckled dryly. She seemed about to respond when a red alert flashed up on her visor.  _

_ “I have to go.” _

_ “Whatever, Dot.” Frowning, she walked back to wherever she was needed, and I flopped onto my back, the coolness of the floor seeping through my form. The light bind hurt like this, but I needed that little bit of pain to focus. Eyes closed, I reached out, feeling the steam flowing through the handship’s pipes. Following its pathways, I found what was most likely the engine room. Concentrating hard, the light bind fighting my every effort, I forced it to my will, backing it up until- _

_ The ship locked down and alarms began to blare. A moment later, a loud explosion rippled through the air.  _

_ ~~***~~ _

_ Despite my best efforts, we made it to Earth anyways. _

_ ~~***~~ _

_ I tried to fly away the moment I pulled myself out of the rubble of the handship. I could feel the itch getting stronger now that I was free. I needed to escape, needed to be alone and dry, and all I wanted to do was make someone feel the way I felt. I wanted them to relish in the pain and live for the lancing fire that shot through the very heart of their gem. I wanted to break someone so thoroughly, like I had been broken, and watch them try to piece their fragile, shattered self back together stitch by stitch. And then I wanted to rip those stitches to shreds. _

_ I froze, wings out, and shuddered, subconsciously recognizing what was about to become a never-ending cycle. Shaking away the unbidden self loathing, I took off, only for Jasper to grab my ankle, hard. _

_ “Come here brat! Don’t fly off so soon!” Her voice rasped so painfully against my ears, grip so tight I knew it would leave a mark. Good. I heard Steven call for me as I half-heartedly tried to jerk away, saw him try to run towards me as the other gems held him back. _

_ “Lapis, listen, fuse with me.” Jasper grinned maliciously. _

_ “I, wait, what?” I couldn’t help the incredulity. But somewhere in the sadistic corruption that danced through my mind, a plan took form. Something snapped, ever so slightly. _

_ “How long did they keep you trapped here on this miserable hunk of rock?” Jasper asked as she pulled me back to the ground. I stood, trying to wrap my mind around her request. Would it even work? Or would I turn her into a monster? Well, more of a monster? I wanted to, stars I wanted to fuse with her. To take her prisoner and shatter her mind. Decision made, I reached out to the waves lapping at the shore. _

_ “These gems, they’re traitors to their Homeworld. They kept you prisoner. They used you. This is your chance to take revenge!” She sneered. Somehow, she thought I’d believe the blatant lies she was forcing out. She looked so smug, so in control. “Come on, just say yes.” _

_ “Lapis don’t do it! Please!” Steven cried out, but I ignored him. This was going to be too good an opportunity to pass up. Too beautifully delicious of a chance to let slip through my fingers. Turning away from the Crystal Gems, I held my hand out to Jasper smiling as innocently as possible. Two could play that game. _

_ And we fused. At first, she wrested control from me, but that was fine. I needed her distracted, needed her to focus on crushing the Crystal Gems under our feet. Hands? She tried to draw from my power, summoning a large water hand, but the art of hydrokinesis was too fine for a warrior brute like her. There were so many little details to think about and focus on that she ignored, and I was able to drag her down underwater, cackling.  _

_ “You lied to me, kept me locked up, and I’m done being everyone else’s prisoner! Now you’re my prisoner! And I’m never letting you go!” _

_ As we were slowly dragged backwards by the water chains, she howled her frustration. Her nasty grin split our face, but this time, it was my grin. “Let’s stay on this miserable planet together!” _

_ ~~***~~ _

_ We stayed fused for so long, fighting and fighting. She was strong, but not unbreakable, and we were in my favorite element. Everyday, I took little pieces of her, breaking her down to nothing. It felt good, to finally be the Authority. To finally be the one in charge of the pain. In my delirious joy, I ignored the warning signs. Increased pain tolerance, decreased reactions. She’d either given up or was saving her strength for a big fight. _

_ She tunneled deep into herself, so deep she would never come back, never be the same. It shocked me, how much she would submit to the pain, the torture. She enjoyed it as much as I did. _

_ “Why do you want this?” I would hiss, but she stayed silent save to beg for more. So I gave her what she wanted, what I wanted, holding us together and beating her down into nothing over and over and over again, and then some. And she took it, endured it, enjoyed it, just like I had.  _

_ The night before Steven visited me in his dreams, I realized I didn’t really want this. I didn’t want to hurt or be hurt anymore. So I stopped torturing her, instead just fighting to keep her down. WIthout the pain to depend on, Jasper’s fight reawoke, and we fought again, a bitter, ugly battle. As we drowned in the depths of the ocean, suffocating and suffering together, Alexandrite dragged us out of the depths.  _

_ Jasper’s fury overpowered my failing will to succeed, and she clumsily stumbled through using hydrokinetics. We were torn apart, taking away the only constant that I had grown so accustomed to, so used to having as a crutch, that losing Jasper nearly destroyed me all over again. _

_ ~~***~~ _

Peridot’s scratchy voice droned on and on into an old recorder, Lapis staring blankly at her. When she’d seen Peridot before, the green gem had been twice as tall, metal limbs causing her to tower over Lapis. She’d been despondent and dull on Homeworld, but on Earth, she was expressive. Her hands waved around wildly as she spoke, like she had finally figured out how to move and never planned to stop. She tuned back into the one sided conversation as she noticed Peridot and Steven staring at her expectantly.

Sighing inwardly, trying to repress the darkness bubbling up inside her gem, she turned away from Peridot.

“This isn’t gunna work. I thought I’d be living alone.”

Steven’s face fell slightly, and Peridot squawked angrily in the background. Earth really had done wonders for her. 

“Yeah but this is even better!” Steven exclaimed as he pulled a marker out of his pocket.

“Steven. No. I need to be alone.” Lapis wasn’t going to back down on this. She had become too dangerous, her memories, or lack thereof, too unpredictable. While she didn’t particularly like Peridot at the moment, she didn’t want to hurt her.

“But Lapis, you haven’t even given it a chance!”

“I said no!” Her wings snapped out.

“What is the problem Lazuli? Have I done something to-” Peridot stepped towards Lapis.

“Oh you don’t get to pretend like you don’t know what you did! Or didn’t do!” Peridot’s face fell, her expression dark. Lapis took a breath in an attempt to cool her fury.

“What do you mean Lapis?” Steven’s naivety had been kind of cute and sweet in the beginning, but now it was just frustrating.

“It’s her!” Finally, all the emotion she’d been trying to contain came roaring to life. “Did she tell you what they did to me Steven? Of course not! You’d never understand! You’re too innocent. I can’t stand the thought of looking at her everyday! She had me interrogated, she watched and did nothing as Jasper used me as target practice, and she’s the one who dragged me back to Earth!”

The rage ebbed slightly as Lapis dug her fingers into her arm hard. Turning to Peridot, voice falling into a deadpan, she muttered, “You used me like everyone else did. You let them try experiment on me and torture me and you did nothing to stop it. I can’t believe..”

Lapis trailed off, a silent sob wracking her body.

“It is not like that anymore. I am sorry that I used you for information. I was cruel and did not need to be. It is different now. I am different now.” Peridot puffed her chest out slightly. “I sabotaged my own mission. I disobeyed a direct order from my Diamond and helped save the Earth. I learned to respect myself. I called Yellow DIamond a clod! To her face! She is probably sending a whole fleet to find and shatter me right now!

For a moment, all Lapis could see was the blinding light of a mirror, memories coalescing into a fog that threatened to consume her. She pushed it aside roughly, but could tell her time was running out.

“Sorry Steven. This isn’t gonna work.”

And with that, she took flight, searching for somewhere quiet to let the panic consume her again.


	2. Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot tries to appeal to Lapis with Steven's assistance. Lapis has a flashback.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'll be going back to edit Chapter 1. I didn't intend for everything to be in first person. Only flashbacks will be in first person. Additionally, there's a lot of development and puzzle pieces for everyone in this chapter. I'm setting up quite a bit for Lapis to explain one of my biggest pet peeves in the entire show.
> 
> Also, I'm not great at tagging TWs so if you see something you think I should point out, please let me know!

“Steven,” Peridot snipped. “That did not go as planned.”

“I know. Sorry ‘bout that.” He sighed. “I thought this would be okay. I kinda forgot the last times you’ve seen each other was… not okay.”

“It is not your fault Steven.” Peridot sighed too, feeling defeated. She flicked a switch on her recorder back and forth, rewinding and forwarding the tape. “I did many things and allowed things that should not have been allowed, all for the sake of information. And science, I suppose. Unfortunately for her, Lapis was a good test subject.

“Can you tell me a bit about it?” Steven looked at Peridot, hopeful for a story.

“I guess.” She frowned, flicking the switch a little faster. “I can try at least.”

~~***~~

The reports were all conflicted. The kindergarten this Lazuli claimed to have come from had been shut down before any Lazulis emerged, but there was another report of Blue Diamond visiting the colony the cycle the kindergarten was shut down, and a few conspiracy articles debating whether the gems injected there had emerged malformed. One particularly interesting theorist had wondered if the emerging Lazulis had been like White Diamond’s renegade Moonstones, and instead of trying to harness unorthodox powers, Blue DIamond had opted to shatter them.

As the assigned Agate jammed her weapon into the Lazuli’s leg, a single, Diamond classified report came up, requiring a short decryption sequence. Before Peridot could finish declassifying it, the Agate began punching the bound gem. 

“Hey! That is enough!” Peridot shouted, using her tractor beam, she threw the Silver Agate into the disincorporating field. “You stupid, stupid piece of coprolite, now I will never get what I want! Why did I have to be assigned an Agate? I could have determined what I wanted to know without your ruddy, dull, waste of materials.”

She turned back to Lapis, looking over the blue gem. She stayed silent, eyes closed and unmoving despite Peridot’s rage. Scoffing, Peridot picked up the Agate gem, clomping out of the cell and off to the guard post, prepared to give the head Agate a piece of her mind. 

~~***~~

“Ooh did you get to yell at her?” Steven had sat down on a box, pulling a ukulele out of nowhere. His poor attempt at matching the music to the mood of the story was annoying but tolerable. Peridot frowned at the interruption, but did not acknowledge it.

~~***~~

Peridot returned to find Lapis in the same position as before. She frowned and tried to recall any circumstances that would require a gem to remain still like this. After confirming there were no known reasons, she scanned Lapis. She jumped in surprise as multiple overlapping alerts popped up on her visor, but they did not make any sense. For one, Lapis’ gem had recently been cracked and healed almost perfectly, but there were odd imperfections around the sealed cracked. Her form was fractured for some reason, and something was working to repair it, but gems did not repair their forms like this.

Peridot’s eyes widened in excitement as she realized what this meant; Lapis had figured out how to reform without actually discorporating! Peridot made a diagnostic note for her limb enhancers to continue scanning her periodically to collect as much data as possible. Such an unprecedented discovery warranted more background information, so she recalled every report, article, and conspiracy theory on the kindergarten Lapis was from, Lapis herself, and the Lazurite colony. 

~~***~~

“What’d ya find?” Steven asked, ukulele forgotten in his excitement.

“If you keep interrupting me Steven, I will not be able to finish the story.” Peridot replied dryly. 

“Oh yeah, sorry about that. Please, continue! I’ll stop interrupting you now.”

~~***~~

**Lazurite Kindergartens Shut Down: Is This Another Moonstone Fiasco?**

… Cycles before the Lapis Lazulis were to emerge, Blue Diamond called for a colony wide shutdown of kindergartens and for any gem that emerged to be immediately bound and brought to her for questioning. Could this be another Moonstone fiasco? …

**Lazurite Colony Report: Date 0 17 3**

… Lazuli’s that have emerged prematurely from the kindergarten have been deformed, with strange marks and powers never displayed by a Lapis Lazuli before...

**Blue Diamond Makes an Unplanned Trip off Homeworld!**

… Blue Diamond has left for her colony on a planet recently nicknamed Lazurite. What could make our illustrious, glorious, most beautiful Diamond run off to such a backwater planet? …

**Friend or Foe? Unidentified Gem Flies through Space towards Alpha Centauri!**

… An unknown gem, most likely a Lapis Lazuli flew through the Milky Way Galaxy, heading towards Proxima Centauri. Somehow, a gem flew through the vacuum of space faster than light, and was able to outrun all tracking systems on the colony in the Alpha Centauri System! …

Peridot read through hundreds of reports on the colony and dozens of conspiracy articles. Lapis was still unconscious, and she was starting to doubt the efficiency of this reformation method. Grumbling about the massive delays she was going to have to account for, she turned to the final records.

**Lapis Lazuli Facet-9H4Y Cut-6CJ Report: Date 0 164 3**

… displays remarkable terraforming abilities, as well as being the only perfectly formed Lazuli from the failed Lazurite colony. She has also shown the potential to fly faster than light, even through vacuums. 6CJ is powerful enough to change water’s state easily, including a hypercharged plasma state that can be weaponized. This power has never before been observed in a Lapis Lazuli. Further testing required…

**Lapis Lazuli Facet-9H4Y Cut-6CJ Report: Date 0 191 23**

ENCRYPTED FILE. REQUIRES DIAMOND LEVEL 8XQ1 CLEARANCE TO DECRYPT.

**Lapis Lazuli Facet-9H4Y Cut-6CJ Report: Date 0 193 18**

ENCRYPTED FILE. REQUIRES DIAMOND LEVEL 8XQ1 CLEARANCE TO DECRYPT.

**Lapis Lazuli Facet-9H4Y Cut-6CJ Report: Date 0 194 1**

ENCRYPTED FILE. REQUIRES DIAMOND LEVEL 8XQ1 CLEARANCE TO DECRYPT.

**Lapis Lazuli Facet-9H4Y Cut-6CJ Report: Date 0 194 2**

… Blue Diamond has requested the Lapis Lazuli designated Facet-9H4Y Cut-6CJ be transferred to Homeworld immediately after the previous incident…

**Gem War Report: Date 2 893 57**

… Lapis Lazuli Facet-9H4Y Cut-6CJ assumed shattered or turned rebel on Pink Diamond colony Earth in the Sol System...

The blue gem finally stirred, groaning quietly. After a short discussion where Peridot got no other useful information, she allowed the head Agate into the cell with strict instructions not to attempt to remove the bind or disincorporate Lapis.

A few cycles later, the Iris Agate alerted Peridot that Lapis was finally ready to talk. Finally, she was able to get the information needed to present a mission to Yellow Diamond with all the necessary protections. When it got approved the next cycle, Peridot immediately set about preparing for her flight to Earth.

~~***~~

“And then we flew here. It took 18 cycles, which I believe is equivalent to 2 Earth months. Unfortunately, the Jasper I was assigned outranked me, so I was not allowed to ask her to stand down when she decided Lazuli made a good practice dummy. I understand why she does not wish to live with me.

“Gems are bad Steven. You know about some of the bad things that we as a species have done, of course, but there are some things you could not possibly understand. I have lived long enough on Earth now to know that the majority of my existence has been riddled with injustice and suffering. I created more of it with her. Some days, I feel like we should not exist.” Peridot looked down at her feet. 

“Aw, come on Peri that’s not true! You’re great, and you do deserve to exist.” Steven tried to reassure her. “Everyone has the capacity to change for the better, and therefore has the right to live.”

“Steven I let the Agates torture her. I studied her, like a specimen, and I let Jasper do what she wanted. I may not have been allowed to stand up to her, but I sure as schist could have- oh sorry. I surely could have tried to pull some form of rank on her. And I authorized the torture in the Yellow Dungeons! I let Lazuli suffer. Just because I did not know better does not excuse my actions.”

“I know Peridot. That’s why you gotta show her!” Steven reached out to Peridot, but she scrambled back.

“Please do not touch me!” She barked sharply, but when she saw his face fall and his hand snap back, she softened her voice. “I am sorry Steven. I should not have snapped at you. I just do not want to be touched right now.”

“Okay Peridot, that’s okay!” He smiled, although it seemed different from before. Peridot could not quite place the difference. “How ‘bout we focus on something else then?”

“I want to, but..” Peridot trailed off, mulling over her words. She could see them in her mind, could feel the way they were supposed to form, but something kept them just out of reach. Frustrated, she clambered up the ladder to her loft nest, burrowing into the pile of blankets, pillows, and stuffed animals before she got too overwhelmed.

“Are you okay Peridot? Can I do anything to help?” He walked towards the ladder cautiously. Peridot had a tendency to lash out when she got overwhelmed and upset, and Steven didn’t have the best track record with calming her down. Frustrations during the drill had usually ended with Garnet holding her in the air like a scruffed cat, while one of her bigger ones had ended with a new hole in the barn.

“Why Steven? Why do I have to be like this? Why does my past have to keep coming back to haunt me? I can not have one day on this cloddy planet without getting overwhelmed or frustrated or I remember something awful I did or allowed and I can not handle it Steven!” Her voice rose steadily.

“Peridot, calm down! It’s okay! We can show her you’ve changed okay? We can show her you’re a different gem now. You’re a Crystal Gem, not a Homeworld Gem. Just because you did some bad stuff in the past doesn’t mean you’ll always be bad.”

She ignored him and grabbed her recorder.

“Log Date 8 10 2. Life is difficult. Words are difficult. Feelings are difficult. My robonoids made so much more sense. Steven has suggested showing Lapis that I have changed. Have I changed though? I do not believe I have. Besides, why would she want to have anything to do with me?”

“Because she also wants to change and become a Crystal Gem and fight for Earth?” He had finally climbed up to the loft and was sitting near her TV. His voice was so hopeful, Peridot had to try hard to not roll her eyes.

“Steven has become incredibly naive again. And I am a clod. End Log.” Peridot clicked the red button and the tape squealed indignantly. She would need to find more soon. Instead of caring, she buried herself back in her nest.

“Are you okay, Peridot?”

“No. When have I ever been okay, Steven?” Her voice was muffled, but she didn’t have the energy to care. Emotions were tiring too.

“Then why don’t we focus on making Lapis feel okay?” Steven suggested, sitting down next to her. “I bet she feels the same way you did with you got stuck on Earth.”

“Hmmm. You are probably right. If I share my knowledge of Earth with her, maybe it will help her like me!” Peridot brightened at the thought. Despite knowing she’d never, it had been really nice thinking Lapis might agree to living with her. The barn could get lonely and scary, especially when it was late at night and the wind howled. Having another gem, especially the strongest Lazuli known to gemkind, would make her feel safe. At home.

“Steven I have it! A perfect plan! A Peri plan!” Steven groaned unenthusiastically.

“Those usually don’t work out so well for us.”

“This one will! You see, Lapis is, well, a Lapis! And Lapis’ manipulate weather to help them terraform, so they love weather! And Earth is brand new and has all this weird wacky weather that she probably has never even heard of before! And I can explain it all to her!” Peridot jumped out of her blankets and tumbled down the ladder, too excited to climb normally. “I have been studying it so it scares me less, because the more I understand something, the less afraid I am of it. I can tell her all about the cloud vortices and the ice rain that feels like soft, cold beach sand, and the lightning!

“Uhm.. Do you mean tornadoes and snow?” Steven asked quirking an eyebrow.

“If by tornado you mean a giant swirling vortex of cloud that pick up dirt and trees and rocks and fling it all around then yes! But I like my name better. I accidentally got sucked into one while studying it, and I was flung all the way over by that grain silo!” She replayed her unplanned flight across the field for Steven. 

“On Earth, we call those tornadoes. And I think what you call ice rain is snow! It’s pretty cool and you can make things out of it because it sticks together.” Steven chuckled at her antics, happy his friend had been able to turn her frustration around. His eyes grew wide and he whispered. “We should make snow gems.”

Peridot frowned. “I like my names better. They make more sense. But if you call them tornadoes and snow, then I will too for accuracy’s sake. And I will need to do more research on these ‘snow gems’ you speak of.”

“Well then let’s go do research! That way you can give all the facta to Lapis!” Steven laughed, running for the warp pad.

~~***~~

Lapis had found herself on top of a large metal cylinder not too far from the barn. She could see for miles up here, could breathe so easily and feel the wind rushing by her. There was a little bit of water around her, but not enough for her to feel like she was trapped back-

No.

The metal creaked and groaned beneath her as she shifted, so she summoned her wings and let them lay comfortably at her sides, reveling in the feeling of stretching them out as far as she wanted.

Lapis loved the openness of the farmland, the soft whispers of the sun against her form. It was comforting somehow. The light was so refreshing and clean, unlike the deep darkness of the ocean.

“No. No no no, don’t go there stardust.” She murmured to herself softly, unwilling to completely break the peaceful quiet. Her mind tripped up on the word, flinging her dangerously close to another flashback. She’d barely made it through the one from earlier without trying to crack herself. Another one this soon would be very bad. Shivering violently, Lapis lurched up in a desperate attempt to escape her own head.

  
“HEY LAPIS!” Lapis cringed at the grating voice that echoed over the hills, shattering her calm solitude. She tried to hide and pretend the annoying gem wasn’t calling out for her repeatedly. Then, she heard steven call out. Sighing inwardly, she launched herself towards the ground, landing softly in front of them.

“Yes, Steven?”

“Go on!” He nudged Peridot forward. Lapis rolled her eyes but turned to face her.

“So, since you are new to Earth, there are many odd, terrifying things that you should be aware of. And since you are a Lazuli, I thought you might like to know about the weather first! This planet has fascinating cloud formations, an extremely complex water cycle, much more complex than Homeworld’s or any other planet that I have ever been on, and-”

“Peridot.” Lapis’ deadpan voice cut through her overexcited one in an instant. “Do you know why I was sent to Earth?”

“You were a gift from Blue Diamond to Pink Diamond, and your mission was to mark all potential kindergarten sites for development.”

“And how long was I on Earth, prior to the Gem War?”

“138 cycles?” Peridot trailed off, feeling like she was missing something important.

“So tell me  _ Peridot _ . Do you honestly think I haven’t figured out the weather on this starsdamned planet yet? And how about the fact that I was embedded in a mirror for another 6,000 years before returning to Homeworld, huh?”

“I see.” Peridot said simply. “I apologize Lazuli. I was only trying to help you feel comfortable on this planet.”

“I am perfectly comfortable.” Lapis seethed, clenching her fists.

“Okay, okay, let’s go Peridot. I’m sorry Lapis.” Steven called out as he dragged the green gem away. “So that didn’t go as well as you thought.”

“I should have taken into account the fact that Lazuli was roaming this planet for a while. Of course she would know the normal weather patterns here!”

Steven looked at his phone. “Hey Peridot? It’s almost seven so I have to get back to the temple. And you have some Camp Pining Hearts to watch right? So how about we take the night to think and maybe try again tomorrow?” 

Peridot shuffled along behind him, feet dragging through the long grass. It was cool on her feet, but kind of scratchy. 

“Hey, Peridot?” She looked up at him, not quite meeting his eyes. As he thought about it, she really never looked anyone in the eyes. “Are you gunna be okay tonight?”

She laughed, hollow and empty, then shook her head gently. 

“That was stupid. So stupid Steven! I do not know why, but all I want is for Lapis to know that I am not the gem who let her get tortured anymore. I would stand up for her now, I would stand up for myself. I want to make her understand that. But she never will.” Peridot said, smiling sadly. They had reached the halfway point between the warp pad and the barn. “I am going to go watch Camp Pining Hearts. When will I see you next?”

“Tomorrow!” Steven exclaimed.

“Oh. Why is that?”

“Because we’re gunna show her you’re different. I’ll try to think up something tonight okay?” Steven called out as he bounded off towards the warp pad, his excitement evident in the lightness of his feet. “Enjoy Camp Pining Hearts!”

And then he was gone, whisked away in a stream of light. Gone like everyone else. Peridot sighed and trudged into the barn, turning on the TV and curling up into her nest of pillows, blankets, and stuffed creatures. Wrapped up in their warmth, she settled down to watch all night.

~~***~~   
  


It had gotten dark quickly after Peridot and Steven had left Lapis alone. A whisper of a wind blew past her. She was back on the metal building, arms wrapped around herself as she stared up at the galaxies painting the night sky. She had flown through many of them. Looking out over the fields, she saw little lights twinkling, like tiny, grounded stars, flitting about the grass. She took a deep breath, not because she needed to, but to reassure herself that she could. 

The metal groaned particularly indignantly beneath her as she shifted forward to watch them better. There was an odd comfort in watching the random paths they took, swaying like stardust in a collapsing galaxy. Stardust. Where had she heard that before? And then, too quickly, too powerfully, a crushing panic swept over her, and everything faded around her.

~~***~~

_ “Stardust.” The sickly saccharin voice murmured softly, yet the word swelled around me, trapping me in its choking embrace. A single fingertip trailed up my arm, across my collarbone, tilting my head up, up, up, until I was looking into Her eyes. _

_ The light bind around my gem was so tight it would’ve cracked any other gem. But not me. Not the defective Lapis Lazuli from a kindergarten so poorly chosen that the rest of the Lazulis that had emerged were shattered on sight. But not Lapis Facet-9H4Y Cut-6CJ. Her purpose was perfect, but her abilities made her dangerous to the Authority. Her ability to maintain her form long after any other gem would have discorporated, her ability to fly faster than light itself, the fact that she was made of something other than light, something dark and twisted. _

_ The Authority wanted to make sure I never challenged them. Never betrayed them. Never tried to undermine them. There was a dark matter inside me, according to White Diamond. Something that gave me powers akin to The Authority’s. But they were still stronger than me. I had to remember that. It wasn't worth it to go against them. They would always be stronger. Faster. Better.  _

_ “Come back to me, Stardust. I asked you a question.” That was her nickname for me. Just like Yellow Diamond was Sunlight and Blue Diamond was Moonlight, I was Stardust. Their perfect little weapon, able to terraform an entire planet with barely a thought, something any other Lapis would spend countless cycles struggling over. _

_ She had mentioned her Starlight was forming right now, incubating in the crust of a small pinkish red galaxy no one cared about. When she emerged, she’d bring happiness to everyone again. _

_ “Oh Stardust. If only you would pay attention.” Terror raced through my mind as she pulled the bind even tighter, compressing me so painfully my form started to waver. But that’s all it ever did. A small fuzzy shiver and then the darkness would lash out, forcing me to hold strong. _

_ “Your insubordination has gone on long enough now.” And then she turned her blinding white light on me, scalding the darkness, warping it into a brand across my chest. I was permanently marked as The Authority’s property. Just another weapon, easily summoned, easily controlled, easily replaced. I fought it, but even I couldn’t hold out forever against White Diamond’s unending torrent of power.  _

_ I faded, my form so desperately trying to hold out against the violent assault, and then the darkness was all I knew. _

_ Maybe she knew that being inside my gem was even worse than being outside. Maybe she had finally begun to understand the darkness. It tickled the edges of my consciousness, mostly locked away inside my gem while my form existed, only slinking out when powerful emotions tried to overwhelm me. _

_ Maybe that’s why she liked to disincorporate me so much.  _

_ It surrounded me on all sides, caging in the blue, quiet, calm that my mind should have been. I tried to run, fly, swim away, but never quite managed. So I succumbed to it, accepted it, and became the weapon The Authority needed. _

~~***~~

A loud crash echoed through the barn, wood and glass and metal exploding inward from a recently patched hole. Peridot shot from her nest in a panic, trying to pinpoint the source of the noise. Slowly, too slowly, her mind focused back on the real world.

She was on Earth, still in the barn, still night. Had she fallen asleep? Sometimes she could, and it felt like maybe she had. What had that been? Cautiously, Peridot crept towards the edge of the loft. Another crash sent her scampering back towards her nest, but she forced the fear down and peered over the floorboards. Something blue was struggling, screaming, fighting with something intangible to Peridot. Watery wings snapped out, sending chunks of wood and glass flying through the air.

“Lapis?” Peridot called out cautiously. She froze, wings still outstretched. Peridot watched her turn and look up, slow as molasses. “Lapis!”

Her eyes were gone, silver pools reflecting a roiling, surging darkness. Black lines swirled over her arms and legs, wings turning into jagged shards of black ice. She lifted her hand, summoning a small ball of water that began to glow. 

“Oh schist!” Peridot cursed, taking a flying leap off the loft as Lapis flung the ball of plasmolyzed water. Instead of exploding over her nest, it followed Peridot until-

Lapis collapsed, her form flashing out of existence, the water she was controlling falling harmlessly to the ground as the hydrokinetic’s power failed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave comments and kudos, feel free to speculate about what will happen, and let me know what you think. I will probably only have time to update on weekends, so expect a chapter, if not two, by next Sunday.


	3. Barnwarming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis moves in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for slight mention of suicide attempt but its very very very slight. Skip the first flashback if you need to.

“Holy schist, holy schist, holy schist!” Peridot barely caught the teardrop shaped gem before it hit the ground. She thought back to some of the reports she read, and vaguely remembered one of them mentioning the powers Lapis had, but the extent was so unexplored! The blue gem felt warm for a moment, and then her form reappeared.

Peridot stepped back, then froze as a dark light erupted from the gemstone, tracing the bright form. The form began to morph, flashing through shapes Peridot didn’t recognize a Lazuli ever taking. Curiosity won out over her fear, and she hesitantly stepped forward, fighting the urge to run her fingers over the tendrils of darkness.

“Lapis?” Peridot murmured, trying to keep her voice soft and calm. “You are safe. No one is going to hurt you right now. I am not going to hurt you.”

The light swirled again, becoming a normal Lazuli form, pulsing blue for a moment, then fading back into white. The darkness slowed down.

“Form Lapis. You are safe here, on Earth.” Peridot continued, hoping she was helping bring Lapis back from wherever she had gone in her gem. She could tell that something was horribly wrong. Any certified kindergartener could. Was it from where she had been injected? Or from her 5,000 missing years of kindergarten records? Or from being embedded? Whatever it was, it was not important then. Peridot stepped closer, unconsciously reaching for Lapis’ hand.

When they touched, Lapis screamed, an awful grating howl, and Peridot flinched away, slamming her hands over her ears. Suddenly, her hand began to burn. Shaking it and cursing quietly, she stumbled away from Lapis. Peridot watched with wide eyes as the darkness retreated into the teardrop gem and Lapis finally formed, falling to her hands and knees. Her body heaved as she tried to breathe, but she coughed and sputtered.

“Lapis?” Peridot whispered cautiously. Lapis tried to turn towards her, but the room began to spin, and she was still just trying to take a breath. “You are okay. You can breathe. You are in the barn, with me.”

Lapis tried to work out a response, but her voice failed. She just wanted to curl up and sleep. This reformation had been so violent, so wrong, but it had taken less time than it normally would. And from what she could tell, Earth didn’t have a new ocean or missing continent. She took a breath.

“Can I touch you?” Peridot’s voice caught slightly. Lapis choked again, eyes unfocusing. 

~~***~~

_ Drowning with Jasper at the bottom of the ocean, forcing water down our throat as we tried to speak, tried to cough, tried to breathe. I was trying so hard to stop us from ever resurfacing again. We could never resurface. If we did, her anger could overwhelm me, and then we’d rampage. _

~~***~~

“Lapis!” Peridot grabbed her by the arm, trying to distract her from wherever she was going in her mind. She had begun to shake and choke again. Maybe the pain would bring her back? “Lapis come back. You are fine! You are okay. You are not in the cells, or with Jasper, or with the Agates. You are safe on Earth, free from Homeworld.”

After a few more long moments, Lapis collapsed into Peridot, sobbing incoherently. Peridot froze again, trying not to push the other gem away. She held Lapis as she cried, eventually stroking her hair. The discomfort eventually gave way to a tenseness that was also starting to fade. Lapis’ hair was silky soft, and she smelled like a warm ocean breeze. 

As her tears, subsided, Peridot extricated herself from Lapis’ grip, whispering that she’d be right back. Lapis didn’t care as she curled up on the floor. She just wanted the pain, the broken chunks of memory, the missing piece of her existence to fade forever, for herself to fade into nothingness. When Peridot came back, she was crying again.

  
  


“I do not know what you usually do to relax after a panic attack, but I know what I prefer. If you want to come with me, I set up a show I like and a blanket nest for you.” Peridot held out her hand for Lapis to take. “I will leave you alone if you wish, or I can stay. But if you are okay, I would rather not stay in physical contact. “

Unable to focus enough to force out words, Lapis numbly nodded and grabbed Peridot’s hand. She felt Peridot flinch slightly, but couldn’t bring herself to care. She was led to a ladder where she was prompted to climb up after the green gem. After hesitating for a moment, she made her way to the top. A video box say in the center of a giant amalgamation of blankets, pillows, and textile creatures. Lapis vaguely remembered a few from her time scoping out kindergartens.

Lapis examined Peridot’s nest, not sure what she was supposed to do. Peridot cursed at the box until it hummed with static and the whirring of old machinery. 

“Nyehehehe! Stupid TV!” She cackled as the video finally came to life and the static turned into a psychedelic melody with chirping birds and rushing water. She turned back to Lapis.

“What am I supposed to be doing, Peridot?” Her voice felt rough and hoarse.

“Oh! Hold on! You’re supposed to get in.” Lapis winced as Peridot spoke much too loudly for the small space they were standing in. She hadn’t realized she’d grimaced outwardly until Peridot apologized quietly. “I know I get loud sometimes. I will work to keep it down. I just wanted to say that I think you will like this. It is called Camp Pining Hearts. There are five seasons, but if you are a true fan only four are acceptable canon.”

  
Lapis cut her off with a glare. “I don’t care, Dot.”

“It is Peridot. Not Dot. Not any other misnomer.” Peridot stopped with a frustrated huff of breath, opting to hold out a controller instead. “I will let you be. Press this button to turn the TV on and off, this one to play and pause, this one to fast forward, and this one to rewind.”

Peridot set the remote down awkwardly when Lapis didn’t immediately grab it and climbed down the ladder. She had stepped so far outside of her comfort zone with giving up her nest, and she would probably need to wash everything in the morning. This was going to throw her off so much tomorrow. But it was for a good reason. She set up a dusty hammock and curled up around her favorite blanket and large stuffed alien. For the rest of the night, she listened to Camp Pining Hearts and thought.

  
  


~~***~~   
  


Lapis shuffled around in the nest, trying to get comfortable again. She’d watched four episodes of this show and had immediately gotten hooked. The premise was so stupidly simple and sweet. Six camp counselors on different sides of an obsolete war who made up at the end of every battle and sometimes fell in love? The drama was petty, the relationships were meaningless, and the nihilistic camping vibes were giving Lapis serious ideas about where she wanted to live next. It was a perfect recipe for Lapis to shut her mind off.

After the tape ended, she didn’t really feel like restarting it, and she knew there was a while before the star, or Sun as Steven called it, came up. Her brain began to wander to what had happened. She hadn’t gotten to process what her flashback had been about, why she had ended up at the barn of all places, or why Peridot seemed so understanding.

Peridot. The green gem was annoying to say the least but effective. If Lapis didn’t know any better, she’d say Peridot cared about her wellbeing. But now, this was probably some manipulation tactic to get her to stay in the barn. Convince her that  Peridot was a good, kind, caring gem before ripping away the facade.

But she’d mentioned something that had stuck with Lapis. “I know what I prefer,” as if Peridot also had attacks like these. But there no way a weak, offcolor Peridot like her had been tortured and turned into a monster. No way a Peridot of her stature could really be capable of destruction on such a large scale as herself. She shivered and buried herself deeper in the nest. She didn’t want to think about Peridot. She just wanted to sleep. But her mind was still too excited, and the coolness of the barn was just aggravating enough to keep her awake.

Lapis thought back to the flashback. She could only remember bits and pieces, but knew more would come back as time passed. One word stood out though, the word that had sent her into this tailspin in the first place. She could remember fuzzy details about being tortured, but the first 9,000 years of her life were mostly missing. Someone had tortured her, but that was nothing new or exciting. Just another memory to push back down.

And when she’d reformed, someone had touched her.  _ Peridot  _ had touched her, and sent the darkness back into its corner of her gem, letting her form without losing another piece of herself. But why? Why help her? Why give her back her autonomy instead of bubble or shatter or bind her? The question was too mentally taxing, and Lapis drifted off to dreams of stars dissolving, planets and galaxies crumbling at her fingertips, and a small offcolor gem pulling her back to reality.

~~***~~

Peridot got up at 7:45 AM, stretching. She hadn’t slept, despite kind of wanting to after Camp Pining Hearts didn’t come back on. The hammock had been less than comfortable, but it was a sacrifice she had had to make. She grumpily stumbled over to her coffee pot, brewing a few cups worth before sitting down with her tablet. While her and Steven had been at the library researching basic weather patterns on Earth, she had seen articles for various phenomena that looked even more intriguing. She was glad she’d followed up, as her investigations led her down many interesting rabbit holes. Abnormal Earth weather was much more fascinating than she’d realized.

Two hours later, she stood up again, glancing up at the loft where Lapis snored. It was almost time for Steven to arrive and she didn’t want to mess up her schedule anymore. All day yesterday she’d gotten thrown off, and then again last night with Lapis showing up. Frankly, she was a bit tired of it all. 

Right on time, Steven warped onto the farm and came running up into the barn.

“Peridot! Peridot! I have a great idea!” he cried out before Peridot could shush him. Lapis jolted up out of the nest, hovering near the ceiling and looking ready to bolt. “Wait, Lapis?”

“S-steven?” She blinked, slowly coming back to land on the loft.

“Peridot, you already made up!” 

“No, Steven. Lapis just needed a place to sleep last night.”

“But she’s in your nest. Hey, you never let me get in your nest!” He pouted dramatically, but smiled at Peridot to show her he was just joking.

“These were special circumstances. I am sure it was just for the night.”

Lapis dropped down to the floor lightly, standing over Peridot. Peridot glanced up at her for a moment but immediately looked away, feeling guilty.

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to stay for a few days.” Her tone was so monotonous that Peridot had to do a bit of a double take.

“Wait, really?” Lapis winced at the sharp increase in volume.

“Yeah. I need to think about some things. I need space. There’s space here.”

“Oh, okay. Yes you can stay.” Peridot flicked a switch back and forth on her recorder. She didn’t mind sharing the bar, but she couldn’t handle a lot of randomness in her life at the time, if ever again. She needed the structure of schedules, and if Lapis was going to stay, she needed to ask her to stick to one as well. “I need you to do something though.”

Lapis raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“I need you to adhere to a schedule.” Peridot mumbled, embarrassed.

“Why?” A hint of incredulity crept into her voice. Peridot’s face fell and she mumbled something incoherently. Steven, who had been standing quietly as they spoke, stepped in.

“It just helps her feel more secure out here. She’s all alone and life on Earth can be really random and Homeworld was really structured. But at the same time, she was forced to go on missions all the time and didn’t have enough time to do everything, so she made schedules and that’s just kinda how she needs to live. And if you wanna stay, you gotta respect that.

Lapis’s face shifted into something completely unreadable again. “Whatever. It won’t be for long.”

“So that’s a yes?” Lapis sighed at Peridot’s hopeful excitement.

“Sure.”

~~***~~

“Okay so, have you come up with a schedule Lapis?” Steven asked a little while later. He’d shown Lapis how to play cards, and had gone from winning to losing quickly.

“Yeah.” Lapis shoved a crumpled piece of paper across the table. He looked over it before glaring up at the blue gem.

“Lapis you gotta take this seriously. You can’t just tell her your schedule is gonna be whatever the starsdamned- Hey that’s a bad word! Lapis!”

She snickered at his indignation, lounging across the rocking chair like a cat. “Sorry, Steven.”

“Lapis,” He whined again. “You’ll take this serious right? She really wants this to work. She’s even working on a barnwarming gift for you!”

“A what?”

“Oh! It’s like a housewarming gift, except you’re gonna live in the barn for a bit.” When Lapis didn’t look any less confused, Steven sighed. “You know what, never mind. You’ll like it though, I know it!”

“Hmm. Why does she need a schedule so much Steven?” Lapis blunt redirect wasn’t lost on him, but Steven indulged it.

“She didn’t really tell us much ‘bout it. Just that Homeworld was bad. Is bad. And that lots of bad stuff happened a lot. And she usually didn’t have time to get everything done, because she would get sent on a mission in the middle of another mission, or something like that? And it was just really hard. And I guess no one really liked to work with her because she yelled at them and was kinda mean. I know there’s way more than just that, but if she doesn’t wanna talk, I’m not gunna force her.”

Lapis hummed quietly, sitting upright. “Okay. I like to sleep at night. I’ll probably get up around midday, but I don’t do much so I don’t know what to put. I don’t really do anything anymore.”   
  
“Alright, I can work with that though! Do you like to eat or drink?” he grabbed a new piece of paper and a pen and sat back down at the rickety table.

“Uhm I don’t think so.”

“Hmm, okay. What about reading or watching TV?”

“I guess. I like entertainment if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Ok, so then from midday until night you’ll entertain yourself, and then you’ll sleep. Are you planning on staying around the barn?”

“Oh! That’s right, I really want to go look at the forest again. When you showed them to me, I didn’t realize how nice they could be. I watched Camp Pining Hearts last night and it just looked very nice.”

“I love Camp Pining Hearts! What season did you watch?”

“Uh. I don’t know what that means.”

“Oh boy. Well I can explain it all later, or maybe Peridot can. Speaking of, if you have to change your schedule, can you try to let her know a day or two before?” Lapis nodded. “Awesome! Now you guys can be barn mates!”

Steven smiled, holding up the paper now titled “Lapis’ Schedule.” for her approval.

“Only for a little bit Steven.” Lapis sighed.

“I know, but maybe you’ll fall in love with it and stay forever so I can come visit you all the time!” His naivety was endearing.

“LAPIS! STEVEN!” Lapis cringed at the ear splitting cry. “COME LOOK!”

Steven’s eyes lit up and with a hurried, “Come on!”, he ran out of the barn. With another sigh, Lapis got up from the table and followed.

“Tada!” Peridot exclaimed, holding her hands out smugly. “I made a smaller than average lake!”

“It’s from the hole we drilled to the Cluster! Peridot filled it in and made you a pool!”

“It is a barnwarming gift for you! Because you know, water is your thing! Pretty good right? The barn is out here in the country but now you can get your moisture fix whenever! Do all that water stuff you do!” Peridot grinned, but it faltered when she caught the look Lapis gave her.

“Water? Seriously?”

“Uh. Yes?”

“You do realize that I spent the last few months trapped under the ocean, right?”

“Well, yeah but I thought-”

“It was an endless, crushing darkness.” As she spoke, her own darkness crept from her fingertips, tingling up her arms. “Wet and bleak and suffocating. Water was the tomb I lived in for months.”

Despite her deadpan, Peridot got the implied message loud and clear.

“Yeah I’m kinda taking a break from water right now.” Lapis scoffed. “But thanks.. For the lake.”

Peridot groaned, rubbing her face with her hands, muttering incoherently about clods and coprolite. Lapis regarded her for a moment before flicking out her wings. 

“Sorry Steven.” She said softly before taking off for the grain silo.

~~***~~   
  


Lapis landed on top of the metal silo that she’d grown somewhat attached to over the past day. She’d debated tossing an ocean around for a few hours to work off the rage that still emanated from her, but quickly dismissed the idea. Water was the whole reason she was angry, after all. Despite being a long way away from the pool Peridot had sealed and filled, she could still feel its presence. It was a cold comfort.

Cautiously, she summoned as much water as she dared from the surrounding dirt and set to work cleaning the silo of years worth of grime that had been windburnt into the metal. After an hour of scrubbing furiously and avoiding the thoughts whirling through her mind, the structure was completely clean, but her anger still simmered dangerously. Frustration overwhelmed her, and she sent the water hurtling back where it came from. 

With nothing left to occupy her and nowhere on the planet to hide from the ever constant thrum of water, Lapis slumped down on the spotless silo. The thoughts that she had shoved aside crept back. She drew her knees into her chest, sighing and staring out into a brilliant red starchange. The first star was setting while the second star rose, casting vibrant reds and oranges across the entirety of the sky. Sighing, she laid back on the silo, content to finally think.

Peridot was frustrating to say the least, but that wasn’t what bothered Lapis the most. What truly angered her was that Peridot seemed to think she could just be won over with some stupid gifts. How dare she try to sweep their history, their past completely under the rug? A wry voice in Lapis’ mind reminded her that she had sought out Peridot’s help and company the previous night, not the other way around, even if she couldn’t consciously make decisions in the midst of a flashback.

However, it quipped back, you seek out safe places when you’re going full dragon, and she was the first place you went.

Frowning at her conscience’s sudden desire to argue over everything, she focused back on the sky. She couldn’t quite remember a starchange quite like this one on Earth. In other binary star systems, they were common, but Earth’s second star was an incredibly dark red, glowing almost purple as the sky darkened.

“Wait,” Lapis whispered to herself. “Earth doesn’t have a second star.”

Her eyes grew wide as snippets from the previous day came back to her.  _ “...called Yellow Diamond a clod… Homeworld… sending a whole army… shatter me… to her face!” _

Her form flickered with fear. The ‘star’ wasn’t a star at all, but a ship, probably a Ruby vessel from the color. And if there were Rubies coming… Homeworld might be coming too. It was close, so close to the barn already. From the silo, she could see the scanner beam moving erratically. Had Peridot already been spotted? Would she tell the Authority everything?

Fueled by a desperate panic, Lapis flew fast and low, just out of range of the grass. She slowed down just long enough to see Peridot running on all fours towards the warp pad. Adjusting her flight around the large red ship, Lapis scooped up the small green gem, and made a sharp u-turn, crashing through another wall of the barn. Peridot whimpered as they landed in a messy tangle of limbs on what used to be the table.

“Stay.” Lapis whispered as she got up, shaking wood splinters out of her hair. But the ship was faster than Lapis had accounted for, and was already hovering over the barn, a red blaster aimed at them and charging up. “Ah, schist!”

She grabbed Peridot by the arm, and they ran out of the barn as the ship fired. With a huge boom, the wall Lapis crashed through was gone, smoldering wood and molten glass raining down. The loft that Peridot had gotten so attached to went up in flames as the ship began scanning again.

“No!” Peridot screamed, trying to run back towards the barn as Lapis hauled her backwards. It wasn’t fear, but pure pain that caused her voice to crack. “Please, please do something Lapis! Please!”

“I- I can’t do it Peridot.”Lapis shuddered. 

“Lapis we are going to get shattered, and I am useless without my limb enhancers! Please!” Fear rippled through her again. The ship scanned over them, and zeroed in, blaster recharging. “I cannot change what I did. I cannot change who I am. But please, I do not want to see Homeworld come here, and they will if that ship is allowed to capture us or collect any data!”

Lapis’ face fell, and then morphed into something dark and furious, eyes black with hatred. A bubble of water formed around them, hardening into ice, and from the pool, a giant hand rose. The Ruby cannon fired into the ice bubble. A myriad of cracks splintered across it, but immediately refroze. Lapis concentrated, superheating the hand until it was bright blue and crackling with stored energy. Peridot heard the warp chime, and turned to see Steven and the Crystal Gems staring in various degrees of shock and awe. 

Letting loose a vicious cry, Lapis swung the plasmic energy into the ship, sending it straight down into the ground as the armored plating was washed off through a series of explosions. Lapis dropped the rest of the charged water onto the ship, rocking the world with another massive explosion.

The silence afterwards was deafening.

“Holy smokes/Lapis that was so cool!” Amethyst and Steven spoke over each other as they ran over to the now melting bubble. 

“Garnet saw the ship approaching and we came as fast as we could. Are you two okay?” Pearl asked when they made it, pointedly avoiding Lapis’ bitter glare.

Peridot sat down numbly, staring at the burning barn. She could hear the other gems talking over each other, but wasn’t paying any attention. Her recorder was in there somewhere, as was her stuffed alien and the fuzzy alien blanket Steven had given her for a barnwarming gift. And all of it was gone.

“Peridot.” Lapis’ monotone voice cut through the background noise in her head. She looked up at the fearsome gem, but her face fell when she saw her stony expression. Then, it softened just slightly. “We can rebuild.”

Peridot smiled halfheartedly up at her. “Yeah.”

Suddenly, one of the inner panels of the ship splintered outward, and a small Ruby soldier jumped out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, hope you liked it. Leave comments if you have anything you want me to add or whatever, I like the feedback. I also went back and edited chapter 1 this morning so it isn't conflicting with the rest of the story. I'm taking a little break from writing due to an incident on my campus. The next chapter probably won't be posted until the middle of next week, at the earliest but I wanted to give you what I had now.


	4. Rebuilding The Barn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis is OP af. Lapis realizes she might possibly kind of maybe like Peridot for half a second. The barn explodes. And some CG development.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof guys I haven't slept in like 38 hours but I promised I'd have it out tonight so here we go! I'll edit for mistakes tomorrow or Thursday. Expect ch5 next wednesday!

A one eyed Ruby soldier glared at the group of gems as five other Rubies jumped out of the ship. Peridot squeaked, cowering behind Lapis’ dress as the other gems summoned their weapons.

“Where is the Peridot our scanners locked onto?” A Ruby with a bright yellow visor snarled. All the other Rubies, who had been milling about attacking various plants, formed up behind Visor Ruby. They walked towards the gems, eyeing their surroundings warily.

“Peridot, stay-” Garnet paused when Peridot snuck out from behind Lapis. Her future vision wasn’t perfect, but she couldn’t see many ways this ended well for everyone.

“Right here,” Peridot stood as tall as she could in front of the other gems. “I am Peridot Facet-2F5L Cut-5XG.”

Visor Ruby stalked up to Peridot, glaring. “And are you the Peridot assigned to the failed Earth mission?”

“It was not… yes I am the Peridot who was assigned to the Earth mission.” 

“And where is the Jasper that was assigned to protect you?”

“She is…” Peridot trailed off, looking back towards Steven.

“We uh, we can’t tell you yet!” He stalled, coming to stand next to the panicking green gem.

“Oh really? And why’s that?” Visor Ruby growled, summoning a comically small glaive. A pink bubble automatically formed around Steven and Peridot as she flinched backwards.

“Because you uh… you have to play baseball!” 

“What’s baseball?” A softspoken Ruby peered around Visor, looking excited. “Is it like a fight?”

“No.” Garnet replied flatly. Steven’s bubble faltered as everyone spun to face her. “We are not playing baseball. The Rubies are going to leave Earth, or get bubbled.”

At that, all of the Rubies summoned their weapons. Visor snarled, “Give us the Peridot and Jasper, and we will leave in peace.”

“Hmm. How about no.” Lapis stepped around Steven’s reformed bubble, grinning wickedly. The pool behind her started to glow. Visor blanched slightly, but grit her teeth.   
  
“We were sent by Yellow Diamond to-” She was cut off as a wall of water washed over the Rubies, sending them flailing towards their ship. Spluttering Visor called out something to the others, but before they could follow her order, the water began to freeze around them. 

“There you go Garnet. Happy poofing.” Lapis deadpanned. A loud crash startled everyone, and they whirled around to see the rest of the barn beginning to collapse under the roaring flames. Small fires had also sprouted up in the grass, hungrily devouring the plants. “Oh,  _ shatter me sideways _ . I have some fires to put out.”

“Lapis!” Pearl choked out, scandalized by the crass language. “Little ears!”

Lapis snorted but ignored her. Garnet had started disincorporating and bubbling the Rubies, much to Steven’s chagrin, and Amethyst was poking around the ship. Pearl sat with a silent Peridot. She closed her eyes for a moment, reaching out for all the water she could, drawing it out of the ground and air in ribbons, until-

With another groundquaking crash, a few tons of water washed across the entire farm, putting out dozens of little fires that had spread to the long grasses as well as the old barn and the Ruby ship. Focusing, she directed it so that none of the other gems would get washed away with the flood, and when all the fires were out, she sent every drop back where it had come from. 

“Lapis! That was awesome!” Amethyst yelled from the ship. Garnet gave her a stoic thumbs up, as she bubbled the last Ruby and sent it off. Peridot still sat with Pearl with her knees tucked to her chest, the last rays of the setting sun glinting off her visor. It looked like Pearl had been talking, but Peridot acted like she didn’t exist.

“Hey Peridot?” Lapis looked down, but when Peridot didn’t respond, she frowned. Pearl stood up and motioned for Lapis to follow.

“She gets like this sometimes.” Pearl murmured as they walked towards the wrecked ship.

“So how do you snap her out of it?” 

“We don’t,” She sighed, looking down at the ground. “Steven’s the only one who’s really made a connection with her. When we captured her we weren’t… the nicest.”   
  
Lapis grit her teeth, and the pool shuddered. 

“Look, I just want to make sure you know what you are dealing with here. Peridot doesn’t deal with things like the rest of us. Homeworld put her under a lot of pressure, and-”

“Well at least she wasn’t embedded in a mirror.” Lapis snapped, glaring at Pearl. The white gem’s eyes widened slightly, but before she could say anything, Lapis cut her off. “Since you can’t tell me anything worth listening to, I’ll ask Steven.”

“Lapis.” Pearl called out as she stalked off, but to no avail. Amethyst walked up beside Pearl, finally finished picking through the wreckage for anything junky enough for her room. 

“Let’s leave them be, P.” Amethyst said quietly. “We aren’t too great with Peridactyl when she’s like that, and Lapis is a whole ‘nother story.”

“Whole other story, Amethyst,” Pearl sighed again, but smiled at her purple counterpart. Garnet was standing at the warp pad, looking in their direction with a knowing half smile, and Steven was giving Lapis a quick hug before running at the warp pad too. “We’ll need to come back tomorrow and move the ship.”

“Yeah, sure, but let’s give those two some time. ‘Sides, I bet we gotta get wood or whatever to rebuild.” Amethyst grabbed Pearl’s hand and dragged her along behind her.

“Oh, you’re right! And they’ll also need other materials, and I think we can spare a day or two to give them a hand right?” She looked down at their hands, blushing slightly, but Amethyst kept pulling her to the warp pad. 

“Course Pierogi. Now come on! I got some junk for my room!”

~~***~~

“Hey Peridot.” Lapis sat down next to the green gem after the others had warped away. The sun had completely set now, but the moon was full and bright. “They’re going to get us some new wood and stuff.”

Peridot didn’t answer her. She had hardly even acknowledged her aside from lifting her head up from her knees. 

“Talked to Steven a bit too. He said sometimes you get overwhelmed when stuff gets frustrating or off schedule and it’s hard for you to handle it so you freeze up. Mentioned some big words I don’t know either.” She took a deep breath, flopping back onto the ground and staring up at the sky. “You know, before I got to Earth, I never realized how nice breathing could be. And on nights like tonight, where it’s clear and everything’s so cool and quiet, it’s freeing.”

“My recorder was in there.” Peridot whispered. Lapis propped herself up on her elbows, waiting. “And all of my tapes. And Camp Pining Hearts. And my nest.”

The words tumbled out now, and she trembled.

“Everything I loved about Earth was in there. I- I had all of my Camp Pining Hearts charts under the TV and all of my stuffed creatures and  _ my alien _ !” Peridot shot up so fast she tripped over herself. “I need my alien!”

“Wait, Peridot!” Lapis groaned, getting up to follow the panicked gem. Peridot ran through what used to be the barn door, Lapis close behind. “Peridot, it’s not safe. I flooded the schist outta this place.”

“It has to be here!” She dug through mostly unburnt debris from the loft, flinging shards of wood and glass in every direction. 

“Woah Dot! Watch where you’re flinging that!” Lapis snapped when glass came uncomfortably close to impaling her.

“Sorry, sorry, sorry, I just need to find it, I  _ need to find it!” _ Peridot froze for a moment, then yelped. “There!”

She jumped up onto an unstable board, reaching for a green hand hanging just barely out of reach. In her panic, she didn’t calculate how close she was to falling until-

Lapis dove forward, wings carrying her the extra few feet to catch Peridot before she tumbled into a pile of broken glass and melted metal. Peridot froze, barely hanging onto the alien as her form went slack, her mind processing what was happening too slowly.  _ Lapis was holding her. Like a human holds a smaller human. Or a puppy or kitten or other small, cute creature. Or a stuffed animal. _ Lapis landed softly on an unburnt patch of floor and gently set Peridot down.

“The barn isn’t safe, Peridot. You need to be careful.” Lapis deadpanned, feigning indifference to the look of fear and horror that had eclipsed Peridot’s face when she’d grabbed her. Peridot just nodded, burying her face in a mostly unburnt, albeit soaking wet, alien. “Let me dry that for you.”

Peridot looked up at Lapis finally, hugging her dried alien close to her chest and whispering, “Why are you being so nice to me?”

“I’m not being nice.” Peridot’s face fell as she tried to decipher what Lapis meant. Slightly amused, Lapis continued. “I’m being decent. I still don’t like you or want anything to do with you. But I caused part of this mess. So I’m trying to make up for it.”

The green gem just nods, curling back up around her alien. And despite wanting to hate her, wanting to despise every single thing about Peridot, Lapis can’t help but find it slightly endearing. But only slightly. She blames being stuck in that starsdamned mirror. A soft voice jolted her out of her thoughts.

“I know this does not feel like home yet. I know this is not Homeworld. And I know Earth probably still feels uncomfortable and weird. And maybe this is selfish of me, but I would really like it if you stayed with me once the barn is rebuilt. You do not have to be alone, Lazuli. We do not have to be alone.”

Lapis sighed. A war raged in her mind. On one side, a furious voice ranted about how this was just another chance for Peridot to trap her. To lock her up and turn her into another gemwashed soldier. On the other side, a defeated, broken voice argued that even if she did do that, she’d probably be better than the Authority and Jasper and the Agates and the dragon anyway. But looking at the offcolor gem curled up on the floor, crying into that alien she could have disincorporated herself over… Lapis realized that Peridot had changed. She really wasn’t the same gem as when she had her limb enhancers. She wasn’t the same gem who stood by and let Jasper beat her and use her however she wanted.

A shiver went through Lapis, the edge of a memory she couldn’t quite remember hovering too close for comfort. She sat down heavily next to Peridot, brushing away a tear with a careful wing. “I’ll stay.”

~~***~~ 

“Garnet!” Steven yelled at the temple door. “I need to talk to you!”

“So I hear.” Steven whirled to find Garnet leaning against the kitchen counter, expressionless. She hadn’t been standing there before right?

“Garnet..” Steven paused, head spinning with all of the things he wanted to say.

“I know Steven.” She sighed, looking down at the two gems in her palms. “We made the same mistake as with Peridot. And this time, I didn’t listen when you said we were doing the wrong thing.”

Steven blinked. Future vision really was good.

“We should have given them a chance before poofing them. You are right about that. But, you don’t know what Homeworld would have done when the Rubies made it back with reports of hostile gems on Earth again. Crystal Gems.” Garnet’s visor sparkled out of existence, and she bent down to look Steven in the eyes. “Even I can’t see that far, but I know it was nothing good. Please, trust me on this Steven.”

“But there’s gotta be something we can do!” He cried, hand running through his hair. “I mean, when I popped Peridot’s bubble, sure she was angry for a bit, but we showed her that Earth is great! Maybe we can do the same for the Rubies?”

“We can discuss it once the barn is rebuilt. And once we’ve salvaged the ship. Don’t want one escaping and getting ahold of it.” Garnet smiled, visor reforming. “Get some rest Steven. You have a busy day tomorrow.”

~~***~~

For a few days, the gems worked tirelessly to rebuild the barn. They salvaged as much as possible, but almost everything was burnt or soaked. Peridot found her recorder the first day, half melted and completely unusable. But instead of freaking out or screaming or feeling some other overwhelming emotion, she felt emptiness. And she didn’t know what to do with it.

Initially, Lapis tried to help, but it soon became evident that her talents lay in other departments. After narrowly avoiding nailing her thumb to yet another two by four, she decided to explore Beach City instead, avoiding the boardwalk and beach itself entirely. Occasionally Peridot or Steven would find her and ask for her opinion on how the barn should be rebuilt, but she never gave them a solid answer. She found the Big Donut the second day, and the tantalizing sugary smell made her seriously reconsider her ‘no eating’ rule.

Amethyst and Pearl stayed fused for three of the four days, only unfusing when Amethyst demanded food, having promised Pearl she wouldn’t try to make her eat anything. Between Opal’s impressive strength and devotion, Peridot’s meticulous planning, and Garnet’s directing, they had most of the barn rebuilt in just four days. Peridot had made some unorthodox changes to typical barn designs, trying to retain as much of the old barn as possible. She had demanded they try to fuse the chassis of the old truck and the plane wings together to form an outdoor loft, and somehow, it worked. 

Peridot also hooked up a water filtration system using the old water tank and the sealed off pool, so the barn would always have enough clean water for coffee and Lapis. Her and Garnet had wired a new TV together, with multiple power sources since electricity was hard to come by in the country. After careful consideration and reinforcements, they set it up on the new loft. 

Finally, on the fifth day, Peridot was satisfied with the new barn. It had been nice working with the Crystal Gems again. It almost felt like she belonged. But at the end of the day, they had the temple to go home to, and she had a half built, empty barn. Lapis was still off exploring, and even though she promised to come by, she never did. It was frustrating that Lapis wasn’t sticking to her word, but her recorder was broken so she could only rant to the sky. 

Two days after the barn was finished, Lapis came back in a whirlwind of emotions. The water system failed three times during her outbursts, and Peridot had to come up with increasingly abstract ways to convince the haphazard technology to work. When Lapis finally calmed down, having raged herself into a fitful sleep, Peridot could finally relax again.

~~***~~

“What are we doing here Steven?” Lapis grumbled, lying her head down on the cool granite. It was way too early to be awake. She had finally settled into a routine with Peridot after a week, and this early morning meeting was throwing them both off. Again. She knew she was getting a little difficult to deal with, given that she was pretty sure she was the reason she’d heard Peridot invent a new curse, but she couldn’t help it. If she didn’t blow off steam, literally, the flashbacks would come back in full force. This was the only way to deal with it.

“We’re all gonna decide what to do about the Rubies!” He said excitedly between mouthfuls of cereal. “Pearl and Amethyst moved the ship into the temple, and the barn is rebuilt, so it’s time to decide if we’re gonna leave them bubbled or let them live on Earth!”

Peridot, who had been quietly sipping coffee next to him while she scrolled through some site on her tablet, choked violently. Lapis watched her warily, unsure of what to do. Luckily, Steven seemed to know how to pat her back soothingly.

“Steven!” She snapped as she finally recovered. “We can not just let the Rubies out! They could try to kill us again! Or escape!”

Lapis winced. “Peridot. Still too early to yell.”

“Ah, right sorry.” She murmured. “Steven, I vote we do nothing. Leave them in their bubbles. It is safer that way.”

“Yeah, but if I’d left you in your bubble, we woulda been dead right now.”

Peridot frowned, unable to form a good rebuttal to that. “Fair point.”

“But Steven, Peridot wanted to be on Earth’s side. The Rubies don’t.”

“You don’t know that! There were a couple that looked really nice. And I didn’t know if you or Peridot wanted to be on our side when I freed you. C’mon, please?”

“How can we say no to that?” Peridot mumbled sarcastically. 

“Easily.” Lapis deadpanned.

“Please! Guys, you gotta have some sympathy for them. They’re just like you!” Both gems shot Steven dark glares. 

“They are nothing like us!” Peridot snapped. “For one, Rubies are basic footsoldiers with no powers aside from summoning their weapons, fusion, and shapeshifting. Lapis, on the other hand, is capable of hydrokinesis, among many other things, and I can… well I had my limb enhancers!”

“And I was always rebelling against Homeworld. Rubies literally never do anything except follow orders and forget orders.”

“Not all Rubies.” 

“Garnet!!” Steven yelled. “Didja bring them?”

“No, excited one. If we decide to release them, it’ll be one at a time in the burning room.”

“Oh.”

Garnet nodded to Peridot and Lapis, who were sitting awkwardly. “You are right though. Rubies are usually not the brightest. Ruby just happens to be an exception.”

Both gems blushed and turned away, Peridot back to her coffee, and Lapis back to her attempted nap.

“Where’s Pearl and Amethyst? Pearl’s usually so punctual.” Steven asked.

“They’ll be out in a few minutes. I believe there was a wardrobe malfunction.” Peridot choked on her coffee again, and accepting that it wasn’t meant to be, pushed it away. 

True to Garnet’s word, Pearl and Amethyst entered the house from their seperate rooms within minutes. 

“Now that we’re all here,” Garnet shot a pointed look at the two latecomers before continuing. “We need to discuss what to do with the bubbled Rubies. Steven?”

“I say we let them out and let them choose whether or not they wanna fight with the Crystal Gems or against us!”

“That’s too dangerous!” Pearl snapped. “No way, Garnet! We got lucky with…”

“That’s enough, Pearl.”

“You mean us?” Lapis stretched, glaring up at Pearl. “Yeah, you sure did get lucky with a powerless Peridot and a jaded Lapis.”

Peridot grimaced and leaned over, whispering in Lapis’ ear. The blue gem frowned. “You sure, Dot?”

When Peridot nodded, Lapis shrugged and laid her head back down on the counter. 

“Anyway,” Steven continued. “If we let them out one at a time and give them their choices, then they can decide for themselves, and then we can all go on missions together!”

“Look dude, I’m all for it, but I think it’s a bit too soon. Like, Lapis is just settling down, and the barn isn’t big enough for a horde of Rubies.” Amethyst smiled apologetically.

“Nor is the temple.” Garnet added.

Pearl sat down next to a pouting Steven. “It’s just not really plausible right now, Steven. I’m sorry. Maybe we can try in a couple months. But for now, let’s give them some time to cool down.” 

Lapis snorted. “If we’re done here, I have a nap to finish. And I think Peridot has some Camp Pining Hearts to watch?”

Peridot nodded, daring one last sip of coffee.

“Very well. It’s settled then. We wait until everyone has calmed down, and we’ll revisit the idea in a few months. Sound good Steven?” Garnet looked around the nodding group, before focusing on Steven.

Everyone looked expectantly at him. Sullenly, he nodded. “Don’t really have a choice here, do I?”

“There’s always a choice. Just make sure to choose the right one.”

~~***~~

Peridot winced as another pipe melted and a violent spray of steam shot into the barn. She glared at the bundle of blue curled up in a hammock from her coffee chair.

“Sorry.” Lapis muttered, not sounding particularly sorry. The steam redirected back into the pipe, held in place by sheer will.

“Are you planning on telling me why you’re boiling the water supply anytime soon, or am I just going to have to keep fixing pipes?”

“Look Dot, it’s best you don’t know okay?”

“No it is not!” She snarled, hands curling into fists. “You are upset about something and it is affecting me! It has been affecting me and this barn and my routine and everything ever since you got back! I cannot keep this up!”

Lapis stood up and stalked over, every bit the menacing, cruel monster that-

**_No._** Another pipe burst, and an angry snarl split Lapis face as she tried to wrestle the emotions down. When she could focus on reality again, she realized Peridot had cowered, whimpering quiet apologies and pleas.

Over a hundred miles away, the ocean waves drew back a few hundred feet, straining against the rage holding them back, and then crashed into the shore.

“I’m sorry Peridot.” Lapis slumped. “I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.”

And then everything around her faded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger. Er. Not really. There's like seven different things being setup here and if I were to continue this chapter, it'd be at least twice as long and I wouldn't sleep at all tonight. Also! The green doritos concept art is officially up! Lemme know what you think or if you have questions. I purposefully avoided describing her as anything but off color since I didn't have a concrete idea until a couple nights ago, so yay! Thanks so much for being patient with me!


	5. Background

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit of a filler chapter. I kinda got stuck on this one, so it's quite a bit shorter than usual, but next one will be extra long.

_ For a moment, everything was black. A haunting voice, a combination of Jasper and I, boomed around me. I opened my eyes, and everything was green. Jasper stood a few feet away, smirking as she raised a hand. Instinctively, I knew she was summoning water. I looked out at Steven, his face twisted in fierce betrayal, shield out. A dark grin split my face, and the hand Jasper had summoned grabbed onto our leg, shifting into a watery chain. Three more chains shot out from the water, binding us tight. _

_ Inside, Jasper whirled to face me, crash helmet already summoned. Before she could even move, two chains latched onto her hands, chaining us together by the arms. _

_ “Lapis,” She growled out. “What are you doing?” _

_ “You lied to me, kept me locked up, and I’m done being everyone else’s prisoner! Now you’re my prisoner! And I’m never letting you go!” I screamed, pulling us down into the depths of the ocean. Her eyes burned so furiously. That feral smile split my face again, split our face. “Let’s stay on this miserable planet together!” _

_ For cycles, we fought. Everything she did to me in that ship, I did to her, and worse. I left her so broken she could barely hold her form, and we almost fell apart many times. Through my sheer force of will and her quartzine perfection, I kept her bound to me, bound to herself, and eventually, she gave up. _

_ “Monster,” She hissed when she had the strength to move. “You’re a damned monster, Lazuli.”  _

_ “Good.” I snarled back, before the plasma burned her again.  _

_ I’d been trapped, held prisoner and tortured for so long, it felt good to use myself to exhaustion. It felt good to remember every awful, twisted thing I could do, and it felt good to do them to Jasper. The ocean sands became a scarred, burnt battle ground around us. Every once in a while, she tried to gain the upper hand, spindashing through a chain or dissolving one from the heat of her fury, but not even the perfect Quartz could stand up to the Authority’s most prized weapon.  _

_ I forced her to fight herself while chained, and beating her with her water apparition felt almost as good as raining the blows on her with my own hands. Something about being her jailor kept the memories at bay, thankfully. It was justice, vindication, revenge, and something so despicably vile it had no name. It was toxic. Alexandrite broke us apart just in time. _

~~***~~

“Lapis?” Peridot whispered. The blue gem had collapsed a few minutes ago, and steam had immediately begun to fill the barn again. She had jumped up to fix both pipes quickly, partially in an attempt to get away from the angry gem. When she returned, Lapis seemed to be in the same unconscious state as she had that one time the Agate had gone too far. 

Cautiously, Peridot picked up one of Lapis’ limp hands. When she didn’t move, Peridot inspected the lines of pulsing black that flickered across Lapis’ form like veins through a kindergarten site. Something was so obviously wrong about them, but the data she had collected had been destroyed with her limb enhancers. 

Lapis groaned softly, blearily opening her eyes. Peridot squeaked and jumped backwards. 

“Dot?” Her voice was gravelly and rough. She started to sit up, wincing.

“I-I am here.” Peridot murmured. With a sigh, Lapis slumped back onto the floor, exhausted.

“When I wake up, we gotta talk.”

“Wait, what?” But Lapis was already asleep.

~~***~~

A few hours and two panic attacks later, Lapis finally woke up. Peridot had begun to work herself up to another panic attack, and had burrowed into her new, albeit much smaller, loft nest. Despite having a working TV, her new Camp Pining Hearts DVDs hadn’t come in the mail yet, so she had nothing to distract her from her thoughts. Instead, she alternated between crying and curling up around her alien, certain that she had upset Lapis enough to drive her away.

A soft whisper of watery wings was the only hint Peridot had that Lapis had landed on the loft. She cautiously sat down near the whimpering green bundle. 

“Hey, Peridot.” Lapis murmured. “You wanna come out?”

The bundle grunted a denial and curled into an even tighter ball. Lapis sighed but sat back against the bed of the truck. It was a miracle the rusty thing had survived the fire and subsequent flood.

“Will you listen to me at least? I need you to know this.” The bundle grumbled and rearranged itself so a single, teary eye could focus on Lapis. “It’s long past time I explained some things to you.”

“Are you going to leave because I yelled at you?” Peridot blurted out before Lapis could say anything else. 

“What? No? Why would you think that?” 

“Because everytime I lash out like that, I drive everyone around me away. It is one of the reasons I live out here instead of the temple. I would not be wanted.” Peridot mumbled, withdrawing back into her blankets.

“Dot, I’m not mad that you yelled at me. You needed to. I was being a serious, uh, clod.” Peridot laughed a little at Lapis’ clumsy use of her favorite insult. “But seriously, I need to tell you some things. I mean, you kinda know already but-”

  
“You suffer from a variety of something humans call ‘mental disorders’, including anxiety, depression, post traumatic stress disorder, which is also known as PTSD, and because of them, you experience vivid hallucinations of memories and dissociate often.” Lapis frowned, parsing the words. 

“Okay, later you’re gonna have to tell me what that means, but let me talk okay?”

“Sorry!” Lapis huffed, shuffling closer to Peridot’s nest.

“Peridot, stop apologizing. Just listen.” Lapis leaned back, glancing up at the brilliant galaxies that were splattered across the sky. “First, if I pass out or my eyes turn black or silver, you need to go to the temple and get the others. I know you’ve seen me like that before, and you’re lucky I haven’t hurt you. I don’t know what I’m doing or who I am or who you are when I’m.. like that, and I try to hurt everyone. And I really don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. Okay?”

Peridot nodded, peeking out of the blanket enough for Lapis to see.

“When I emerged, I was brought to Blue Diamond because all the other Lapis Lazuli’s she’d injected into my kindergarten were defective. I was the only one who wasn’t shattered. My kindergartner ran tests on me and basically figured out everything I can do. Which is a lot. Most Lazuli’s can only handle liquid water, but I can manipulate its phase, shape, density, and pretty much everything else.

“When they realized how dangerous I was, they slapped a light bind on me and I became Blue Diamond’s personal terraformer and… entertainer. I was tortured by her for a long time until I eventually submitted. Among other things, she determined only a Diamond can poof me.

“After a few eons under her, I rebelled. Broke a couple planets and turned Delta Aquarii into dust.” Lapis flinched so hard she jostled Peridot slightly. “S-sorry.”

“It is fine. I assume that this is not easy for you to speak of.” Peridot murmured.

“Yeah.. Anyway. After that, I was given to White Diamond. I think. Everything gets a bit fuzzy around then, but she changed me. And then I was sent to Earth. With Pink Diamond. She couldn’t hold my leash as tight as she should’ve though. Once the Rebellion started, I was free to roam the Earth.” Lapis smiled a wan smile. “It was nice. I felt free for the first time, ever. This whole planet.. There’s so much water. So much to explore. I understand why Rose Quartz rebelled.

“She approached me too. With Pearl. Tried to convince me to join the Rebellion but I couldn’t. I’m too dangerous. In the end, they left me be, and I continued to just float around the Earth. Every once in a while, I’d come across a gem battle and throw an ocean on Homeworld or pick off a few unseemly looking gems with that plasma stuff I can do. It was easy enough to tell them apart.

“One day though, a rebel Bismuth got the drop on me. I still had that stupid diamond on my chest. She saw it and thought I was on the wrong side, and before I could do anything, she cracked my gem. I immediately retreated into it to see if I could fix it, but there were too many fractures. From there, I’m not really sure what happened, but I fell into Homeworld hands and was interrogated for a long time. They could only draw me out of my gem a little bit, so it was mostly useless.

“And then, when the evacuation was called, I was dropped on accident near the Galaxy Warp. One of the Crystal Gems found me and embedded me in the mirror.” Lapis’ face twisted into a dark glower. “Steven freed me a few months ago. And healed my gem. I went to Homeworld. Was captured while sending a message to Earth. Dealt with you and Ja- her. And then I was fused with… yeah. All of that. I know there’s some stuff I’m missing. And not telling you. Schist, I lost about 4,000 years of memories, give or take. I think. But those are the basics.”

“I see.”

“I deal with my feelings about all of this by throwing them out into water. Whatever’s closest.” Lapis squinted at the covered green lump next to her. “That’s why I’ve been breaking so many pipes. I can’t use the ocean anymore. Or really anything more than what’s in that tank. I’m..”

When she didn’t speak, Peridot sat up a little, blanket wrapped around her like a shawl and prompted, “You are?”

Lapis sighed, slumping her shoulders and wrapping her wings around herself. “I’m scared.”

Awkwardly, cautiously, Peridot laid a hand on Lapis’ shoulder. Neither flinched away. “I am scared as well.”

~~***~~

They settled into a routine again, comfortably this time. Peridot’s new Camp Pining Hearts DVDs finally arrived, and they watched the first four seasons together over and over. Peridot talked for days about all the different ways Paulette was inferior to Pierre, going so far as to draw detailed charts. Shipping charts, she called them. Lapis listened to her rants bemusedly.

Peridot’s emotions got the better of her almost every day, but Lapis took the outbursts in stride. Somehow, the dysfunctional pair managed, despite everything from their respective pasts. For the most part, the Crystal Gems stayed away, which Lapis was thankful for. Every once in a while, Steven came by to hang out or show them something new, but for once, life was finally peaceful.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being a day late! I got behind in life and this chapter was killing me. I'm gonna have to take a break between this chapter and the next to get a couple rough drafts going, so expect it Nov 20th!


	6. Other Worlds

The week had been quiet. At 7:45 every morning, Peridot got up, made coffee from the new coffee maker, and sat at the new table in a new chair that wasn’t quite as comfortable as her old one. During the fire, her tablet had been destroyed. Steven told her he had ordered a new one, but it was going to take a few more days. It was way too early to watch Camp Pining Hearts. Amethyst had recently suggested watching a show called Lil Butler instead, but her and Lapis had quickly nixed it.

Unfortunately, it left her with nothing to do, and she had never been good at relieving her boredom. Grouchy and frustrated, she sat curled up in her chair, sipping coffee until Lapis woke up with a groan and a noisy stretch, half rolling, half falling out of her hammock.

Peridot glanced over at the clock. It read 10:23 AM. Lapis was up way earlier than normal. Before she could spiral too far down a rabbit hole of analyses, Lapis had walked over to squint suspiciously at the coffee. 

“Not quite sure how you drink that stuff Dot,” Lapis rasped, ruffling Peridot’s hair with a watery wing. She flinched away from the sudden contact, wincing. Lapis frowned, bleary mind recognizing the weird response but not quite registering it. “You good?”

“I am fine.” Peridot muttered as she dropped the empty mug in the makeshift sink, hoping Lapis wouldn’t notice or care too much about her deflection. “You are up early.”

“Oh, yeah,” Lapis shrugged. “I’ve been feeling restless.”

Her wings flexed slightly, and a pipe rumbled angrily. Peridot whirled around, glaring upwards sharply. “If you bust another pipe, I will..”

Lapis raised an eyebrow in amusement as the other gem trailed off, too flustered to think up a suitable threat. 

“I’m bored Dot. We’ve watched all of Camp Pining Hearts, twice. Let’s go do something. Please?” Lapis frowned when Peridot grimaced and glanced up at the clock again. It wasn’t quite the reaction she was hoping for, but she was springing this on Peridot pretty suddenly. A conversation she’d had with Steven about schedules and routine came to mind, but she brushed it aside. “I know I’m kinda bringing this up out of nowhere, but it’s not like we’ve got anything better to do. I promise we’ll be back before 6. Or earlier if you want.”

Peridot sighed, relenting begrudgingly. “Fine. If we can be back by 5. Where do you want to go anyway?”

“I want to see Earth again.” Lapis looked off into the distance. “I want to see what’s changed.”

“Oh. Okay.” Peridot frowned. “How will I go with you?”

“We’re flying, dork.” She smirked at the green gem’s horrified expression and wordless spluttering. “More specifically, I’m flying. You just enjoy the view. C’mon, don’t you wanna see the world you’re fighting for?”

Peridot froze, a thought striking her. “Can we go to Antarctica?”

“Uh. Sure? Any particular reason?”

“Yes. But if we do, we will not get back by 5. I want to be there when it is dark.” Peridot jumped up suddenly and scrambled up the truck loft. “I built myself a new recorder. Do you mind if I bring it?”

“Is it heavy?” Lapis asked as Peridot leaned over the side, holding up a small flat object. She smiled up at the excited gem. “Go for it Dot. Ready to go?”

Peridot nodded, bouncing on her feet, her whole form suddenly feeling electrified. She could feel the vague sense of impending doom that always came with breaking routine, but for once, her excitement overpowered it completely. Awkwardly, she climbed up on Lapis’ shoulders, and with a powerful flap of her wings, they were airborne.

When they leveled off, Peridot could see just how large the farm was. The barn had been situated in the middle of eight massive, overgrown fields. Three grain silos glinted in the sun, momentarily blinding her. She leaned further over Lapis’ shoulder as the landscape changed drastically beneath them, from the sloping fields to sharp mountain peaks to bustling cityscapes. The hydrokinetic glanced up at her excited passenger, smiling at the sense of awe washing over Peridot’s face. She was flying slow on purpose, barely working to glide along the air current that was taking them south. 

Suddenly, Peridot was leaning too far, and they listed sharply to one side before Lapis could correct herself. Peridot squealed in panic, gripping onto Lapis’ shoulders a bit too tight, and despite the quiet reassurances that she wouldn’t fall, that Lapis wouldn’t let anything happen to her, she wrapped around her much tighter. Lapis didn’t mind too much. Peridot was never one for physical affection or contact, so any time the green gem wanted that comfort was welcomed.

They had only been flying for a little bit when Lapis saw the ocean and slowed down significantly. 

“Lapis?” Peridot yelled out, concerned. “What-”

Lapis let out a shuddering breath, and waved off the other’s concerns. Peridot frowned, but didn’t push the issue. It was hard enough to talk when they were this high up, with the wind rushing around them, and Lapis didn’t like being pushed to talk anyways. She’d tell Peridot when she was ready. When Lapis picked up speed again, she let it go. For a moment, the world grew blurry. When it came back into focus, they were over a massive forest. Lapis yelled something that was lost in the wind, then grabbed Peridot’s hands and dove straight down.

Peridot yelped, grabbing onto the blue gem even tighter until they leveled off under the canopy. 

“This was one of the places I took Steven when I was first looking for somewhere to live,” Lapis murmured when Peridot finally stopped yelling. “And when I watched Camp Pining Hearts for the first time, I decided I was going to live somewhere like this one day. There’s nothing like it.”

Peridot finally looked around at the dappled sunlight that pierced through the dense foliage. Bright flowers dotted the roots of the trees, and birds flitted around them. Bugs buzzed and loud bird calls echoed all around. As they floated by, Peridot reached out to brush her hand against a large, orange and blue flower she’d never seen before. 

“It is beautiful Lapis,” She whispered. “I can see the aesthetic appeal of living here.”

Lapis snorted and rolled her eyes. She reached out and grabbed a dark green leaf from a tree. “This is one of the only sources of water I can’t feel. I can’t take water from a living thing. I can’t turn it into that lightning stuff. I can’t make it ice or steam. This is one of the only places I can be free. Sure there’s little rivers and stuff, but it’s hard to feel enough to lash out here.”

“Plants have incredibly calming features. There were many detailed studies done by organics showing a correlation between plants and reduced stress and emotional outbursts. Certain plants have aromatic factors that are aesthetically pleasing, while others have a certain visual allure.”

“Yeah?” Lapis asked, a gentle invitation for Peridot to continue her rant, but she had gotten distracted by a bird flitting curiously around them.

They slipped into a comfortable silence as Lapis followed a winding stream through the trees. It met up with more until they were flying over a large dark river. Lapis was tense beneath Peridot, and she was going to tell her to fly up above the canopy when a long pink nose crested the water for a moment.    
  
“Wait, Lapis!” Peridot pointed down excitedly at a mottled, sleek animal that surfaced for a moment, before diving back down with a flick of its tail. “What was that?”

“A pink dolphin. They’re native to the Amazon.” She smiled a bit when it surfaced again, this time with a friend. Peridot’s eyes widened as she watched the two dolphins frolick in the dark water. “This planet has the most diverse marine life I’ve ever seen. These guys have a few cousins in the ocean. They’re super smart and playful. Usually come in a massive group though. I guess rivers don’t really allow these guys to travel together as well.”

Peridot listened as Lapis talked eagerly about all sorts of ocean life that she’d seen on Earth and other worlds. 

“Before Delta Aquarii was uh, terraformed, there were these massive creatures called Peloceri. They were these beautiful sea dragons that lived in the water there, and they could also kind of fly, and they were the top dogs. Dot, you’ve never seen anything like the oceans there. They were as deep as this planets, and completely clear. No pollution, none of that weird plastic stuff humans like so much. Anyway, the Peloceri lived in mated pairs, and I came across a pair one day that were kind of friendly, which was weird because they were crazy territorial and tended to tear apart anything that they thought might be a threat.

“Blue Diamond was getting angry that a bunch of her gems kept getting shattered by these things, so she sends me out to terraform the planet and get rid of them. So, I’m flying over this area where most of the gems had been shattered and this giant white beast suddenly comes flying out at me, and scared the schist outta me. Me being me, I backhanded it with a tsunami out of instinct, and oh man, I thought I was going to die. But it just threw a wave back at me! Turns out, they play by trying to like, drown each other, and this one decided I was friendly. 

“For a while we were playing, and then another one comes up outta the water and it’s just hovering next to me. And then the white one grabbed me and I got an underwater tour of the planet via giant sea dragon. It was one of the best cycles of my life.” Lapis ended her story with a breathless chuckle. “Sorry for that. I loved the Peloceri. These two kind of reminded me of my two.”

“I liked that story.” Peridot hummed as they watched the dolphins dive back into the river and disappear. “Do you want to tell me more about them?”

Lapis shook her head. “Maybe later. We’ve got an Antarctica to see. I’m actually not quite sure how much farther we have to go, and it’s getting late, so we should get going.”

Peridot nodded, and resituated herself. During their lazy meandering, she’d pulled out her recorder, now equipped with visual recording as well as audio recording capabilities, and documented all of the interesting plant and animal life they’d come across. Two pink dolphins were the most recorded. They gave each other thumbs ups, and the world became a blur of colors as Lapis flew as fast as she dared. Despite her robustness and spiteful stubbornness, she doubted Peridot could handle fast travel.

The colors morphed again into their normal landscapes, and Peridot gasped when they landed on a giant white mountain. All around them, brilliant white ice reflected the stars and full moon. Wispy white clouds floated all around them. The wind rushed around them violently, but Lapis held strong, defying the aggressive air current. Peridot clung to her back, staring up at the giant band of the Milky Way Galaxy and the brilliant spectral lights that danced around them. 

“Video did not do it justice,” She whispered. Lapis felt, rather than heard her speak, and attempted to look over her shoulder at the clingy gem, but Peridot just pointed up at the light show in front of them. She was utterly entranced, and it took a bit, but Lapis was finally able to extricate herself from her grip. They sat down, Peridot silently watching the aurora above them. 

“There was an aurora like this one when I emerged. The planet still had an expansive magnetic field and every night, an aurora like this one would form. I would watch for as long as my rotations would allow, or as long as the aurora existed, but I got transferred when it was determined I was an exceptional technician and Kindergartner. Eventually, Homeworld was completed, and the magnetic field dispersed, so no more aurora. It is one of the only things I actually missed about the cloddy planet.”

Lapis sat silently as Peridot spoke, wings still outstretched and tense.

“They really are incredible. They work by-” Peridot glanced over and frowned at Lapis’ rigid expression. Suddenly, it dawned on her. “Lapis I am so sorry! We can leave! I did not even think, I just wanted to see the aurora, I did not think about the water and the ice and, I am sorry, we can-”   
  
“Dot. Stop. Breathe.” Lapis pushed the upset gem back into her spot with a firm wing. She’d found out the hard way her wings were the only thing Peridot could handle being touched with when she was panicking. “Sit. I’ll let you know when I need to go.”

Peridot winced, flinching back. Her mind was a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts that she couldn’t get under control. “But, Lapis, you-”   
  


“Peridot.” Lapis snapped. The hard edge to her voice froze Peridot over. It was so similar to when they had first started living at the barn, so similar to the Agate, so similar to Yellow Diamond. Lapis huffed, and hovered a watery wing over Peridot’s hand, silently asking permission. “Peridot, I’ve told you, I’ll tell you when shist gets too much. Always. And I will now too. I was bored, and you let me drag you off from your routine, so if you can deal with a little discomfort for me, I can do the same for you. Alright?”

Peridot nodded and brushed up against the wing, leaning into the reassurances it brought, but the panic was still right there, just shoved off for her to deal with in the future. Stupid, she snarled at herself, stupid, and insensitive, and not thinking. It was what had gotten her in trouble so many times. Her detachment, her inability to connect with any other gems. It was why she’d been put on the Cluster project. Shattered fusions didn’t need emotional tending, just physical. A real Kindergartener, a good one should be able to work with emergences. Lapis’ voice cut through her thoughts again.    
  
“Peri, I know you’re stuck in your head right now, but listen to me. When I can’t handle it anymore, we will leave. I promise. I will let you know. I knew Antarctica was surrounded by ocean. Sure, the planet’s changed a bunch since the war, but I knew what I was flying into. I knew. But I wanted to show you the world. Well, the good parts of it. And this is a part of that.”

Peridot nodded, and slowly the real world came back into focus. Lapis’ wings were wrapped around her, cocooning her in a watery warmth that shouldn’t have been possible, but for stars sake nothing with Lapis should have been possible. She looked back up at the night sky, where the neon green aurora swirled above them. And finally, she relaxed, leaning fully into Lapis, sighing contentedly. Lapis was surprised, but happy, and she wrapped an arm cautiously around her. When Peridot didn’t flinch, she relaxed as well. 

For a while, they watched the light show peacefully. Lapis was so focused on Peridot that the water’s call didn’t affect her. The darkness couldn’t threaten her. It was peaceful, sitting with Peridot in her arms. The wind had died away and the lights were starting to fade. When the last of the green faded, Peridot sighed, nuzzling into Lapis comfortably. Lapis rested her head on Peridot’s. 

“Are you uncomfortable?” Peridot asked.

“No.” A blue hand ruffled blonde hair. “Are you?”

“I am not sure.” Lapis frowned, leaning back, but the green gem ducked away from her gaze. It was weird, being comfortable whilst touching someone else, but Peridot realized she really did feel okay. “Sorry. Can you tell me more about the Pecoleri?”

“The Peloceri. They were amazing creatures. So powerful, so majestic. Like nothing else. You wanna know something?” Lapis smiled wistfully, gazing up at the ruined constellation Delta Aquarii had once been apart of. “I started the first rebellion, thousands of years before the war for Earth. I started it for the Peloceri.”

“I never read about that in any reports?”

“Nah, you never would’ve. Got squashed before any Howlites caught wind of it. But I did. It was the first time I’d ever felt so free.” Lapis pointed towards a group of four stars arranged in a diamond. “There used to be a star in the middle of that. Delta Aquarii orbited it. When I destroyed the planet, I took out the entire system, and the star was turned into dust.”

“What about other planets?” Peridot blurted out.

“Huh?”

“I mean,” Peridot paused, collecting her thoughts. “Do you have stories about other worlds?”

“Oh, yeah, all sorts!” Lapis smirked. “You know, if I didn’t know better, I’d think you were starting to like me Dot.”

“Peridot.” She pouted. “Misnomers aside, yes Lapis, I do like you.”

Lapis blinked. Peridot’s eyes widened. “I mean as a friend! I apologize, I-”

“Chill out, Peridork. I’m just messing with you,” Lapis grinned, ruffling her hair with her wing. Peridot grumbled something and pushed herself off Lapis. 

“We should probably head back.” Peridot mumbled, trying to separate herself from the conversation. Lapis narrowed her eyes, leaning forward to rest her elbows on her knees.  _ I didn’t talk about the Aquarii Rebellion for her to shut down after a dull joke,  _ she thought, annoyed.

“You know, you’re allowed to be imperfect. It’s okay to say things you don’t mean or do the wrong things, because usually, it’s funny, and if it isn’t, we laugh it off anyway.”

“When I say the wrong things, I hurt everyone.”

“Am I hurt?”

“I would not know how to tell.” 

“I’ll tell you Dot. I promise. I’m not gonna let you hurt me or push me around. I’ve had enough of that in my life.” Lapis stood up. “But if you really want to go, we can.”   
  


Peridot nodded, still avoiding Lapis’ gaze. 

“Peridot. Look at me.” Peridot flinched away, shaking her head. “Okay, okay, sorry. Just.. I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me. You know a lot about me, but I don’t know anything about you. I don’t know what to avoid or push you on. Just think about that okay? Let’s go.”

Lapis knelt down for Peridot to climb on her back. “I am sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. You haven’t done anything wrong here. Just talk to me, okay?”

“Okay. I will try.” Peridot settled onto Lapis’ back, and with a powerful flap of her wings, they were diving fast down the side of the mountain. The landscape rushed by, colors melding into each other as Lapis flew faster and faster, blowing past the ocean. She slowed down over the forest, following a stretch of river for a moment, hands trailing in the water, before speeding up again. 

After a few minutes, they were back at the barn, Peridot curled back into her nest and Lapis sitting on a blanket from her hammock. Lapis waited for Peridot to start the video box, but it stayed dark.

“Hey, we watching CPH?”

“Can you tell me about the other worlds you’ve seen?”

“Oh?” Lapis turned to face her friend, who was watching her with nervous eyes that didn’t quite meet her own. “Yeah. No CPH tonight though?”

“I mean, if you would rather watch Camp Pining Hearts, I will turn it on. But I assumed that since we had already broken from the routine, we could do something different now as well. If that is okay with you, that is?” Peridot twisted a blanket between her fingers, eyeing the remote.

“Sure,” Lapis stretched out on her blanket, hands behind her head. “Which ones do ya wanna hear about?”

“All of them!” Lapis chuckled.

“Yeah? Did you ever hear about the planet Zosarus?” Peridot shook her head, holding her alien tight to her chest, watching Lapis raptly. “It was a lot like Earth. It had a brilliant grey sky, giant green trees, and these stupidly annoying bugs. Seriously, they were like the worst things ever. Flew around in these ginormous swarms. Well, all the Agates were going crazy one day, because Blue Diamond herself was coming and she wanted to see the progress made on the colony, but we hadn’t gotten schist done because these bugs!

“Well, when Blue and I got there, it was a disaster, and half of the Agates got shattered for trying to hide their failures. She commanded me to finish the groundwork for the colony, and I did. Back then, the Authority held me on a pretty tight leash, so yeah. There was so much ice in the core of that planet that I could’ve made it explode if she wanted. So we go out to finish the kindergartens and all of sudden, we’re getting swarmed by these giant needle bugs and Blue goes crazy, shrieking and trying to swat them but they were too fast!”

Lapis jumped up, reenacting Blue Diamond’s defeat by insect for Peridot’s amusement.

“She yells at me to, and I quote, ‘finish off this sedimentary schist hole’! Now I’m being attacked to, but it was so funny that I was barely focusing, and I accidentally demolished the planet. Thankfully, Blue didn’t have much she wanted to get from it anyway, and I didn’t break anything worthwhile, so it all worked out. But you shoulda heard some of the curses she invented!”

“Such as?” Lapis smiled a semi-feral smile at her, and leaned down to whisper the scathing insult. “Lapis! That’s awful! And hilarious!”

“Yup! Who knew, even the great Authority can come up with a few good curses. She made me promise never to tell anyone else. But she didn’t know that those stupid Diamond orders never worked on me unless…” Lapis’ face twisted into a snarl, and the mood fell dramatically as Peridot cowered back under her blanket. “Sorry. Forget I said that. Did you want to hear more?”

Peridot nodded, before shuffling aside and patting the space she’d made. “Sit with me while you tell me?”

Lapis smiled at the green gem’s attempt to comfort her and sat down. Peridot immediately brightened, wrapping the blankets around her shoulders and shoving a stuffed whale into her lap. Lapis bopped her on the head with a wing before wrapping it around her. She shared the stories of the planets she’d destroyed for the Authority and the species of flora and fauna she’d met along the way. 

Peridot made many snarky quips and asked for multiple reenactments of her favorite stories, and at one point, the two hovered over a detailed drawing of the Peloceri that Lapis had befriended. Peridot had done an impressive job of taking the descriptions and sketching a beautiful landscape of them playing with a small blue gem, and despite her nonchalance, Lapis was beaming. She hugged Peridot way too tight, but the green gem seemed to enjoy it instead of flinch away. It astounded her how fast they had relaxed around each other, despite hating each other just a few Earth weeks prior. But it was comfortable, like they were made to be there for each other. Somehow, someway, they just clicked.

Peridot was impressed too, but more that she had finally found a gem who would listen to her and accepted her with all of her flaws. She had never been comfortable with touching another form, and the limb enhancers had just exacerbated that dislike. Lapis seemed to understand though, possibly due to her being trapped in the mirror for as long as she was. She didn’t force herself onto Peridot, just silently asked permission and waited for it. There were no unwanted ‘meetings’ to work on her ‘incompatibilities’. It felt right. And so when she’d finally relaxed into Lapis’ touch, shocking the svelte gem into silence, it had just felt right.

It finally felt right. They were curled back up in the large nest under the stars, Peridot wrapped up in Lapis’ arms, half listening to another story about the Peloceri, when she finally fell asleep. Lapis finished her story with a small smile, before falling asleep as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah... no excuses here guys. Sorry. Next chapter will be a few weeks again. Dead weeks next week, and then I have four finals to suffer through. I promise I'll get back on track after that though! Happy holidays, and thanks for reading!


	7. Meep Morp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More discussions, and the beginning of the Morps.

“Lapis, Lapis, look!” Peridot scrambled up the loft ladder with her tablet. “I made a thing!”

Lapis sighed, stretching and sitting up with a yawn. Peridot shoved the tablet in her face, blinding her. She grumbled and pushed the overexcited gem away. “Dot, I was asleep.” 

“Look!” Lapis shot her a dark glare, and she shrunk back. “Sorry. Can I show you what I made?”

  
Lapis held out her hand, and Peridot gingerly handed her the tablet. She squinted, then gasped. “Peridot.. Is this the Pelocerus?”

  
“Yeah! I really liked you telling me about them, and I wanted to draw the white one with you! I do not really know what they look like, so I took some liberties.”

“It’s beautiful. She’s beautiful.” Lapis whispered, hand hovering over the small figure perched on the giant’s nose. The sketch captured the Pelocerus perfectly hovering above the water. Its giant wings, leaflike wings stretched out “Can I have it?”

“Yes, this is for you! It is not quite finished yet, and I need to run to the Temple. I have no printing capabilities as of right now.” Peridot frowned. “I need to build a printing device for the barn.”

“Oh, okay.” Lapis handed her the tablet back. 

“I will be back by 4:30! It might take a while as Steven also mentioned he had something to show me.” She called out as she darted down the ladder and to the door. “Maybe we can watch something after?”

“Sure.” But she was already gone. Lapis sighed and leaned back against the cool metal. Their trip south had been good, but she was bored again. Earth was fun before the mirror, but now it was an amalgamation of bad memories. Everywhere she turned, she had to fight off that itch because something familiar would pop up and stars, it was getting hard. But she wasn’t going to hurt Peridot. She refused.

For some starforsaken reason, the annoying little offcolor gem had grown on her. And now she had drawn that exquisitely detailed picture of her and the Peloceri. For her. Was she supposed to do something for Peridot? She wasn’t that talented, but maybe she could think of something. 

Her gem hurt. Emotions were hard, controlling them was hard, and despite the front she had been fighting to put up, she could feel herself crumbling again. 

With a huff, Lapis jumped from the loft, flicking her wings out at the last second to catch her. She looked around the barn. It was uncomfortably empty. After the fire, almost everything was thrown into a pile out back, and no one seemed to care to go through it, but maybe there were some things she could use. 

She flew outside and balked when she saw how large the pile was. Now she remembered why no one wanted to deal with it, especially her. Lapis reached out to the pool, the gentleness of the freshwater now calming instead of agitating, and bent the molecules to her will. She sat down against the side of the barn and began to sort the pile into ‘burnt’, ‘keep’, and ‘maybe’. An old blanket went into the burnt pile, two oddly shaped large ceramic bowls went into the keep pile, and a singed stuffed organism went into the maybe pile for Peridot to choose. As she continued, she grew slightly concerned at the amount of ceramic bowls they had and their apparent purpose. 

A little while later, Peridot still hadn’t returned. Lapis had finally finished sorting everything, and had even come up with an idea for Peridot’s gift upon finding an impressive amount of watercolor paint that was mostly unburnt. 

Armed with her hydrokinesis, wings, and a strange desire she couldn’t name, she set to work. There was something comforting in controlling the paint, in creating something new with her powers instead of destroying. Lapis was almost happy to be able to control water in the moment. She doubted this gift would turn out as well if she wasn’t. She hovered near the ceiling, watching the paint bleed together in a complex dance, weaving into a brilliant splash of colors.

It didn’t take long at all to finish. For the first time in a long time, Lapis smiled genuinely. She landed and looked up at the ceiling. It was perfect, or as perfect as she could make it. 

“Now what to call it?” She murmured, whisking away the extra paint with a stream of water. Her mind wandered back to the Peloceri. It was hard to make the actual noise, but she remembered the call they used for her. She remembered the first time she fought back against her chains, the first time she chose to fight for the Peloceri instead of against them. She remembered the first time Blue Diamond turned her…

“-zuli! Hey, Lazuli!” Peridot yelled as she ran back from the warp pad. “I got it! I got your- woah.”

Peridot froze in the barn door. Across the entire ceiling, a vibrant aurora danced. It was constantly shifting and rearranging, thanks to Lapis, the greens fading to pale pinks and purples before reappearing as vibrant neons and deep blues. Beyond the aurora, Homeworld’s starmap was stretched across the rafters. 

“Lapis?” Peridot whispered. “What is this?”

“It’s the aurora. Homeworld’s. Earth’s doesn’t turn blue very often, but I remember Homeworld’s would be a dark blue green color.”   
  


“It.. I do not know what to say.” A single tear slid down her face. “I love it.”

“You gave me the Peloceri again, and you accepted me and let me live here even after I was a bit of an Agate to you. I wanted to say thank you.”

“Oh, yeah! Here.” Peridot held out a large canvas. The sketch Peridot had made had become incredibly detailed. The white Pelocerus still hovered in the air, with Lapis standing on its nose, arm stretched out, while the black one was surfacing in the clear water, looking up at its mate lovingly. “I also wanted to say thank you. For taking me to see the aurora, and telling me stories, and forgiving me even though I did not help you.”

Lapis ran a finger up the length of the Pelocerus’ wing. She could almost feel the smooth scales and ridges. “Meep morp.”   
  
“What?”

“That’s the noise they made when they played with me. Well, kind of. It’s hard to say. Stars, we played for cycles. They ended up coming up with a noise just for me, like I was their offspring. Meep morp.”

  
“Then that is what we should call it.”

“If you’d like. We can call this one aurora.. Uh, actually I don’t remember what Homeworld called it.”

“It was unnamed.” Peridot said shortly. “We can just call it all meep morp.”

“Wait, what? But what about-”   
  
“I like meep morp.” Peridot cut her off with a certain finality. Lapis frowned, sitting down in her hammock with the morp. Somehow, she didn’t feel so reassured in that statement, but if Peridot didn’t want to talk about it, she wouldn’t push. “Can we watch something?”

“No.” Lapis said firmly, finally looking up at the tense gem. “What’s wrong? It’s not time to watch a show yet, and despite my dragging you all around this rock, you stick to your routine like nothing else.”

“Lapis, I am fi-”

“Dude, no. Keeping it to yourself makes it worse.”  _ Hypocrite _ .  _ Liar.  _ “You’ll feel better if you talk. It doesn’t even have to be to me, you can make a voice loop or something.”

“You mean a recording?”

“Doesn’t matter, you know what I mean. Either talk to me, or talk to the box.” Lapis paused. “Or Steven.”

Peridot’s face twisted, and she turned away from Lapis. “No thank you.”

“Then talk to me?”

Perido sighed. Lapis watched her shoulders slump, like the weight of Homeworld had just been dropped on her, and sink into her chair, curling into herself. “I told you I was an exceptional Kindergartner. Except that is kind of a lie. Not really, but enough of one to be.. Uncomfortable for me. I was never great with other gems, especially freshly emerged dullards. Sure, I know a lot about it, but I was told I was too brusque and harsh on the newlings.

“So I became a shard technician for Yellow Diamond. I did not have any part in forming and placing the Cluster, but I was involved in and supervised many forced fusion experiments. The Cluster was to be my test. And I failed. And I turned traitor. And I hurt you, and Steven, and the other gems! And I forced gems to fuse, not even full gems, partial consciences that can not even think for themself! I violated them, Lapis, and I do not know how to fix it! I do not think I can..”

Lapis blinked. A storm of emotions roiled in her; familiarity, fear, apprehension, understanding, acceptance, appreciation, and that same something from before. 

“I apologize. I should not have said anything.”

“No, no, just.. Give me a moment.” Lapis stood up and walked over to the table. Cautiously, she reached a wing out, letting it hover just in Peridot’s line of sight. She didn’t move or flinch away, even as the wing brushed lightly down the arm of the chair. “Come here?”

Peridot shook her head. Lapis leaned against the table, shaking her head slightly.

“Ya know, I’m probably the best person you could talk to about this.” Lapis sighed. “Malachite was a prison. My prison. That I created. I may not have forced Jasper into that fusion, but I sure as schist didn’t let her go once we did. I violated her, and probably damaged her permanently. I don’t know how to fix that. Or if I’d even want to, ya know? But I gotta live with it. I did that, and yeah, I regret it, but I gotta move on. I gotta learn to live. And so do you.”

“I do not want to live with it.”

“Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means I do not wish to live with it. I tried to atone by helping them with the Cluster. I mean, at first I was doing it so I would not be shattered on this cloddy planet. But once I started learning about them, and who they are, I did it to try to fix m-my past.” Her voice cracked, and Lapis had to fight the urge to hug her. “But it is hopeless. I will never be able to.”

“Because you’re still focusing on fixing it. There’s nothing to be fixed now. Now’s the time to move on.” Lapis crouched down in front of Peridot. “I’m sorry I pushed you, but I’m glad you talked to me. Now c’mon, let’s go watch something. It’s just about time.” 

Peridot followed Lapis up into their loft, and they curled up in the nest, Peridot leaning against a watery wing. The hydrokinetic couldn’t focus on much else other than the shaky gem next to her. Even surrounded by familiarity and comfort, Peridot was still obsessing over everything. She could see it in the way her eyes never stayed on the screen for more than a few moments, could feel it in the little fidgets and shifts that pinned her wing in an awkward position, could practically hear her brain turning.

Lapis didn’t quite understand why this was bothering her all of a sudden. Then again, Peridot had seemed a little off as far back as the trip to Antarctica. Stars she’d been bottling this up for a while. It was hard to figure out how everything connected, but something must have happened on Homeworld, which led to her being a shard technician, and then to Earth. 

_ It doesn’t matter, distract her idiot.  _

“Hey,” Lapis murmured, wincing when Peridot jumped and squished her wing. “You’re still overthinking.”

“Y-yeah.”

“How can I help?”

Peridot curled into herself, pushing away from Lapis. “I-I-I do not know. No one has e-ever c-cared.”

“Okay, okay, shh,” Lapis whispered, leaning towards her. “May I?”

Peridot fell into her arms, and she wrapped her wings around them, and for a moment, everything felt like it was relaxing back into normalcy. And then, the crying started, the shaking sobs and quivering, and Lapis froze up. Anger, hate, frustration, those were emotions she knew how to handle. Pain was nearly impossible. Pain was all engulfing, it was mesmerizing, it made her itch.

Lapis snapped out of her stupor to Peridot still crying quietly into her shoulder. She brushed through the blonde hair with her wing. “There you go. Let it out.”

Peridot mumbled something unintelligible through her sobs and Lapis’ shoulder.

“Shh. You held it in too long, now you gotta let it do its thing.” Lapis kept murmuring to her until Peridot calmed down. At least an episode had passed, but she hadn’t quite memorized them like the little gem had. 

“I-I am so-orry.” Peridot’s voice cracked painfully. 

“No, don’t apologize.” 

“B-b-but we d-did not watch-”

“Peridot, stop.” Lapis said as gently as possible. “I’m not upset. Well, I’m a bit annoyed you waited this long. To tell me that is. But I’m not upset we didn’t watch anything. You’re more important than some stupid show.”

Peridot sniffled and smiled up at her sadly. “I am?”

“Yeah, dork.” Lapis ruffled her hair with her wing. The gesture, while trivial, was a comfort for the both of them. “Did you need to talk about anything else?”

“I just..” She trailed off, looking almost pained. “Fusion is such an intimate act. You learn everything about the gem you are fused with. Homeworld decreed same gem fusions only because multigem fusions became problematic. Everyone learned too much, gained too much power. A strong enough fusion could, in theory, beat a Diamond. And, in the end, I helped enable the mashup that resides in the core of this planet.

“I almost fused once. Peridot fusions were a waste of time, so no one did. But Garnet offered. And I almost did, I almost let her, but.. I remembered why I was there in the first place, why I was even consorting with the enemy. And I realized I could not fuse, I would be breaking the law, absolutely, but I would also be disrespecting every gem in the Cluster, and all of my experiments.”

She stopped talking again, but didn’t try to push Lapis away. They just sat there, the TV long forgotten, both thinking about pasts they could not change.

“It’s not that good ya know. Fusing. With other gems at least. It isn’t worth it.” They both sighed. “But this? This is nice.”

“Oh?”

Lapis nodded, shifting so she could lean farther back into a large stuffed lion. Peridot shifted with her, until she was curled up completely in Lapis’ lap and content. Two wings still wrapped solidly around her, and for a moment, everything felt perfect again. Lapis hummed the Camp Pining Hearts theme song as she began to drift off. Peridot seemed to be fighting off something still, but didn’t struggle or pull away from the contact.

Little did she know that for the first time since she’d emerged, Peridot was falling into a comfortable sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is cut short, I was originally going to include Peridot waking up, but it works a bit better being broken up here. Concept art for the Peloceri is leafy sea dragons btw. Eventually gonna get a rough sketch out, that'll be part of this chapter. (Hint, it’s Peri’s sketch, except way more rough, I headcanon her as a MUCH better artist than me lol). Added the slow burn tag bc wow. Sorry, not sorry. This is gonna be a while. And finally, I’m not sure I’m gonna write a Lapidot fusion into this. I've just.. Never envisioned them fusing in show. And this chapter hopefully explains why. I thought about it for a long time, and I've got an entire drafting page of the pros and cons, but I don't think it'll fit in this AU. 
> 
> Not quite sure when the next one will be up, since I’ve got a busy week with holidays and work, but I feel like it'll be within the week.
> 
> Oh and I wrote two other short things recently: Foreverglow and Nightmare. I prefer writing to music (duh) and I've had both of those on the backburner until Volleyball came out and my heart just died over feels. Nightmare is Lapidot, Foreverglow is a short little Pearl/Pink Pearl (sorry but Volleyball Steven, really?) so! Check them out if you'd like! 
> 
> Edit: Kudos and shoutout to Connie Swap and the CS team! WIP!Peridot was slightly based on CS!Peridot and P2, specifically with the shard technician details. Connie Swap was the inspiration and motivation behind writing this, and I can't recommend reading it enough!


	8. Metallokinesis

_ Peridot’s POV _

She snapped awake, freezing in place. There were so many sensations. Short puffs of breaths against her hair, the strange but soft, cushiony feel of water wings, an arm wrapped around her middle. It took Peridot a few moments to process everything, the fact that she had fallen asleep, the fact that she was still lying comfortably in Lazuli’s arms, the fact that the water wings defied all known laws of physics, gravity, light constructs, and would make a very interesting experimental study. Another interesting fact occurred to Peridot. Lazuli had started to breathe constantly. Gems did not need to breathe, although it certainly made speaking with Earth’s atmosphere easier, nor did they have the capacity to do so, unless they shapeshifted a pair of respiratory organs or formed one whilst reforming. Certainly, they could take air into their faceholes and then hold it before letting it out, like she did, but for Lazuli to continue breathing whilst sleeping?

Her thought process was interrupted by the arm and wings rustling lightly as Lazuli adjusted herself. The end credits of Camp Pining Hearts whistled softly, and Peridot was almost lulled back to sleep. The soft snores behind her were annoyingly comforting, and the sunlight overhead simulated a pleasing feeling of warmth across her form. Sunlight? Peridot opened her eyes, leaping up from the nest. Lazuli groaned and mumbled something, before rolling over and curling up against a stuffed mitochondria Steven’s human acquaintance had gifted Peridot. It was nearly nine in the morning, and Peridot was late. 

Frantically, she tumbled down the ladder, landing in a rather uncomfortable heap at the bottom. Deciding to forgo coffee, she scribbled a quick note in gemglyph for Lapis, grabbed her tablet, then ran out to the warp pad. The chiming of the warp pad rang out, and for a moment, everything was white. Then, the Temple materialized around her, and all of a sudden Steven was hugging her and yelling something. Peridot screwed her eyes shut, trying to duck out of the excited boy’s grip. 

“Amethyst she’s here!” He yelled, finally releasing Peridot from his tight hug. “You’re late! We were just about to warp over. What happened?”

“I overslept.”

“Ooh, you sleep now? Do you like it? What do you dream about? Wait, do you have dreams, cuz Connie says she doesn’t, or she doesn’t ever remember them, so do you have dreams and don’t remember them or just don’t have dreams?“

“Last night is the first time since arriving to Earth, I think I like it, I do not remember dreaming, but if I do have dreams and do not remember them, I would not know if I was having dreams or not, therefore your question is unanswerable.”

“Hmmm.” Steven pulled a serious face, putting his hand to his chin. “I guess that makes sense.”

Amethyst, shapeshifted into the form of an Earth bird, swooped in and landed on Steven’s head. “Are you guys ready?”

“Yeah!” Steven cheered. He ran up the stairs to grab a bag as Amethyst shifted back into her normal form.

“Yes, I have been looking forward to experiencing an Earth pleasure ground. We did not have anything like them on colonies.”

Amethyst laughed. “Pleasure grounds! I love it. Hey Peri, what do you call these again?”

Peridot sighed, pushing the purple gem’s hand away from her face. “Touch stumps.”

Amethyst burst out laughing again. “And these?”

“Fabric- actually I do not think I have ever seen one of those before. What is it?”

“Velcro!” Amethyst peeled the fabric strip into two strips, creating a pleasing but aggravating noise. Peridot snatched them from her, examining them.

“Hmm. Interlocking fabric strips. They seem to have above average tensile strength for their size. Durable.” She brushed a touch stump - _ finger- _ against the strips, then shivered. “This texture is distasteful.”

“Eh, fair enough. It’s pretty cool though. Humans use it for like, everything.” Amethyst replied. 

“Let’s go!” Steven shouted from the door. 

~~***~~

There were so many lights and sounds. It was borderline overwhelming, but somehow nice as well. Peridot decided most of Earth was overwhelming but nice. 

“Ta da!” Steven exclaimed, exuberant as ever. They were standing in front of.. Something. Peridot examined it with a frown.

“A speed pattern transportation circuit?” She asked.

“And a roller coaster!”

“Well, where will it take us?”

“Uh.. n-nowhere, you just ride it to have fun! It’s the most fun thing at Funland!”

“And you’ve got to do the most fun thing at Funland first.” Amethyst cut in.

“Hmm.. bold. I can follow this logic!” 

~~***~~

_ Lapis POV  _

“Lapis!” Peridot yelled as she tore into the barn. “Lapis, guess what!”

Lapis bolted upright in the loft, breathing a sigh of relief when she saw Peridot hovering next to her. “Diamonds, Dot, you scared the.. Wait what?”

“I am a metallokinetic! Like you are a hydrokinetic, I can control metal!” In her excitement, one of the rusty paint cans Peridot was using to hover near the truck bed clattered to the ground, and she dropped several feet. Lapis lunged forward and caught her before she really fell, and lowered them both gently to the ground. “Wow, thanks.”

Awkwardly, Lapis set Peridot down with a blush. “Sorry, I panicked. Uh-”

“It is okay!” Peridot jumped up and down, flailing her arms. “I have metal powers!”

She ran over to her coffeemaker, levitating it slightly and activating it, despite not having a mug underneath.

“Woah, woah, hey!” Lapis yelped, catching and depositing the loose coffee in a cup. Peridot had already moved on, bouncing from one piece of half finished tech to the next, turning things on and off, floating random machine parts before either dropping them or letting them fall, until a particularly heavy piece of an airplane propellor refused to move. Lapis snickered at her comically expressive attempts to shift it. “You’re putting too much physical effort into it. Just go with the flow.”   
  


With that, she manipulated the coffee again, sending it streaming in ribbons up Peridot’s arm. The small gem stood transfixed, eyes flicking between Lapis and the coffee dancing up and down in elegant patterns. Lapis flicked her fingers slightly, sending the coffee flying back into its mug.“See? Small movements work just as well. Take it slow.”

“Hmm. I see.” Peridot was still entirely too energetic, but she managed to spin the propellor. “Lapis! I did it!”

Lapis sighed, rolling her eyes. “I can see that.”

She spent the next few days simultaneously ignoring the ever increasing itch throughout her form and attempting to help Peridot learn how to control her power. Despite her help though, Peridot was still struggling to consistently hold on to it for more than a few minutes. After her third fall from the loft (and Lapis’ third panic attack as she attempted to catch her in time) metallokinetic flights and floating were banned. Camp Pining Hearts binges were frequently interrupted by Peridot attempting to levitate the remote, and accidentally pressing a button instead, much to their chagrin. 

“Peridot!” She snapped after the fourth mishap of the night. Peridot seemed to shrink in on herself, an apology already tumbling out, but Lapis didn’t have the energy, nor the patience to keep up with the metallokinetic antics. “Please. Save your practice for when we aren’t trying to watch.”

“Okay.” Peridot looked away. “Sorry.”

Lapis sighed, rubbing her face. “It’s fine. I’m going to sleep.”

After that night, Peridot experimented less, and never when Lapis was around to be annoyed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, another short chapter! I’m trying to build up to the main event, but it’s not coming out how I want, so I'm giving y'all what I have now. Writing from Peridot’s perspective proved difficult, too. Everything from “Too Short To Ride” happened. I’m aware she already has one alien, now she has two. Idk.  
Why So Blue shot roughly 20% of my character arc for Lapis, so.. Yeah. However, I’m absolutely using that song bc UGH. It was beautiful. Jennifer Paz is amazing.


	9. Alone At Sea

“Peridot! Lapis!” Steven knocked on the barn door, startling both gems. Lapis had still been dozing in her hammock while Peridot quietly tried to turn the coffee maker on from across the barn. 

“Hello Steven!” Peridot replied. “What brings you here today?”

“My dad and I have a surprise for Lapis! Is she awake?”

Lapis, groaned and rolled out of the hammock, running a hand through her messy hair. “Yeah. ‘M awake.”

“I have to go, Steven. I will drop by the Temple later tomorrow.” Peridot waved as she left the barn, ignoring Lapis. She sighed. Things had been good, happy, but ever since she had snapped at Peridot again, the little gem avoided her at all costs. She should probably apologize.

“Lapis?” Steven was standing in front of her, concerned. “Are you okay?”

“Y-yeah, I’m good. What’s up?”

“I just wanted to- woah, what’s that?” He pointed up at the ceiling. The constantly shifting aurora, courtesy of hydrokinesis, froze momentarily. 

“Oh, uh, I made that. For Peridot.” 

  
“Awww! It’s super cool! Is it magic paint? Can I have magic paint?”

“It’s not magic paint, I’m doing that. See?” The paint condensed into a green Steven, who waved before melting back into its previous state. 

“Woah.” He grinned. “Lapis you’re really cool!”

She winced.

  
“So, will you come with me? Dad and I got something for you!” Without waiting for her to answer, Steven grabbed her hand and started pulling Lapis to the warp pad. “C’mon!”

She almost wanted to say no, just let me sleep, or I have something I need to do, but she didn’t really want to disappoint her BSFB. If he still thought of her that way. If she was being honest, through the miasma of self-hatred, it was hard to see why anyone would want her around. Before she could drag herself down too much, they arrived at the Temple.

“Okay, cover your eyes!” She summoned her wings, covering her eyes as they walked down the beach. He kept talking about the most recent Under the Knife episode while they walked, eventually making it to the docks. 

“I’m beginning to guess the surprise, Steven.”

“I told you to close your eyes!” He whined.

“Sorry,” Lapis chuckled, finally closing her eyes, although she left her wings where they were. They stopped, and she heard Steven run off after telling her to wait.

“Ta da! You can open your eyes now.”

She opened her eyes to see a ship. By organic standards, it was pretty nice, with a sleek design, albeit a bit small. 

“We bought a boat!”

“Uhh, correction kiddo. We rented a boat.” An older man was standing awkwardly to the side, wearing an odd cap. “I’m rich, but buying a boat would be going a bit  _ overboard _ .”

They kept talking while Lapis began to spiral again. Steven wanted her to go out on a boat. In the middle of the ocean. Where she had chained herself and Jasper, where she had chained Malachite to the bottom of that trench. Where her and Jasper had battled in Malachite’s mind, or more accurately, where she’d beaten Jasper to near submission. When she was in control of Malachite, they terrorized that little island with its little organics that sacrificed themselves to her, treating her like a Diamond-

“Lapis?” She blinked, looking down at a very concerned Steven. “Are you okay?”

“Y-yeah I’m fine. Who’s this?”

“Uh, Greg. Universe.” He held out his hand. “You broke my leg trying to use the ocean to fly back to your homeworld?”

“Lapis Lazuli. Nice to meet you.” They stood staring at each other for a moment.

“Great! Well, I’ll get the boat started.”

Lapis turned to Steven. “I don’t know about this. It’s..”

“Look Lapis, I know you spent a really long time fused with Jasper at the bottom of the ocean, but you’re not Malachite anymore. And water is a part of who you are. Peridot told us you’ve been avoiding it some. You can’t let one bad experience take that away from you.”

“It was more than one.”

“Just give it a chance? I promise we’ll make this the most fun you’ve ever had!”

Lapis crossed her arms and looked away. “Steven I don’t deserve this.”

“Of course you do! We even named her Li’l Lappy!” He pointed at the boat just as a piece of paper folded over, revealing the actual name of the boat: S.S. Misery. Lapis snickered at the irony. 

“Alright. I’ll give it a chance. But just one.” She scooped him up and flew them up onto the deck, smiling at his infectious laughter.

Greg was messing around with controls while Steven ran off to grab a ‘life jacket’ for Lapis. Finally the boat roared to life. 

“Here!” Steven held out a bright orange vest. “You put it on like this.”

“Thanks, but I’m not putting that on my body.”

“Alright! I think this is it! You two ready to set sail?” Steven cheered as Greg eased the throttle forward, and they began to move. A moment later, there was a crunch. The three of them ran to the other end of the helm to see a chunk of the dock floating behind them, still tied to the back of the boat. 

“Uh oh. You think anyone will notice?” Greg frowned as he walked back to the controls. “I think I did a real number on the dock. Maybe someone else wants to take a shot at being captain? Eh, Captain Lazuli?”

Greg held out the hat towards Lapis, much to her dismay. “I shouldn’t.”

“Aw c’mon Lapis, it’ll be fun!” Steven reached for her hand, but she snatched it back.

“Don’t put me in charge!” She snapped, feeling that familiar itch threatening her sanity. Steven stepped towards Greg cautiously. “Sorry. I mean y-you shouldn’t trust me with the boat.”

“Okay, that’s okay! Don’t worry about it.” He grabbed her hand, smiling up at her. “We can, uh, we can all be first mates, so no pressure. Only fun today!” 

“Okay,” Lapis said, taking a breath to calm the thrum of fear, then smiled back. It felt genuine. “Okay!”

Greg put his hat back on and said, “Let’s chart a course for fun!”

“We’re gonna go out on the deck, dad!” Steven called out as he pulled Lapis out the door. “Have you ever suntanned?”

Lapis shook her head. “It’s pretty easy! You just lay down in the sun and soak in the warmth, like this!”

He patted a reclined chair before sitting in one of his own, putting on a pair of sunglasses. Lapis sat down too. The sun was extremely bright, but the heat did feel nice, although she didn’t know why. Peridot probably knew why their forms reacted positively to the UV rays. But she probably couldn’t ask her now, not without apologizing.  _ Stars _ . She could feel the thrum of the engine, hear the boat slicing through the waves, feel the water all around her. Just like on Antarctica, but this was pure, unfettered water, that she could manipulate with barely a thought. It should’ve been freeing, but it was all so overwhelming crushing.

Like with Jasper. And Malachite. And the  _ games _ she played with Jasper, so similar to what had been done to her, yet so different. How was she any different? She could almost feel the scorching light, almost hear that voice. She knew Jasper had seen everything, all of the terrible things she’d done while under the Authority’s control, all of the terrible things she did outside it, the  _ thing _ she had become. It was all there, all out in the open, just waiting for the right gem to say it.

Around her, Lapis could feel the waves growing choppy. A call sung through her form, a call to destroy and drown and dive so deep she could never be pulled back. Would it be so bad to lose herself? To finally give in? To finally-

“Lapis!” Steven was shaking her. At some point, she must have closed her eyes, slipping ever so slightly into the comfortable darkness. “Lapis wake up! It’s just a dream.” 

She didn’t want this. Didn’t want to lose Steven. Peridot. The barn. Camp Pining Hearts. The meep morps. She didn’t want her past to tear everything good she’d finally built apart.

She took a breath. And another. And opened her eyes.

“Lapis are you okay?” He asked, hands still gripping onto her shoulders, tears in his eyes. “Is it because of the ocean? I’m sorry I pushed you, we can go back to the barn!”

“No, Steven, it’s fine. I’m fine, see?” She reached out a hand to grab his, until she noticed faint darker streaks, then snatched it back. She shook her head softly, trying to clear the remainder of whatever had happened. “I’m okay, I promise. We can stay.”

“Are you sure?” 

“Yeah. Maybe we could go do something?”

“Yeah! Oh, I know, c’mon!” Steven ran back under the covered helm. Lapis followed cautiously as they approached the wheel. He pointed up at a cord, motioning for her to grab it and pull down. There was a piercing noise, kind of like a higher pitched, much louder raspberry. Steven cheered as she pulled the cord again and again, and they both laughed.

Sometime later, after their ears were ringing, they stumbled down to the deck again, still laughing. Greg was standing at the front, a pole in his hand, staring mindlessly out at the ocean. 

“Hey dad!” Steven said, oddly quiet.

Greg jumped, nearly dropping the pole in the ocean to Lapis’ secret amusement. He said something back, but the ringing in her ears was too loud to hear what. She shook her head to try to clear out the obnoxious noise, finally succeeding.

“What are you doing?” Lapis asked, walking as close as she dared to the railing. 

“Catching fish.” Greg suddenly flung the rod out, nearly throwing it into the water. Lapis frowned, slightly confused. She could feel something rippling below them.

“How do you do that?”

“Well, it’s pretty simple. You start with a rod, and you put a hook on the end of your line. And then when you feel a nibble, you reel it in. And there is it! You’ve caught yourself a fish to eat.”

“But why would a fish ever bite a hook?” Organics were confusing.

“Well, you have to bait it with something you know it wants, like a worm or a twenty dollar bill. Here I’ll show you!”

He rummaged around in a bucket next to him, pulling out a small, pink animal with an uncomfortable amount of legs. 

“Ooh a shrimp!” Steven exclaimed. “They live in the ocean! Lots of fish like to eat them too.”

Greg carefully stabbed it with the hook, making Lapis wince away and shiver. Steven didn’t say anything, to her surprise. The shrimp wriggled around. 

“How is it still alive?” She asked.

“Hmm. Pearl can probably tell you, she knows everything! But, I think it’s because they have really really really tiny brains and can’t feel pain or anything.”

“Oh.” Lapis murmured, watching Greg toss the hook out into the water.

“And now we wait! With this little guy, we should get a bite pretty soon.”

After thirty minutes, Steven grew bored and wandered off to sit back on his lawn chair with an enormous book. 

After another half hour, Lapis crept up to the railing, cautiously leaning against it. She looked down into the water. It felt like something was looking back. 

After two hours of waiting, she finally asked, “So when does the fish part happen?”

“Well sometimes it isn’t about the fish you catch, but the company you keep.” Something about that resonated within her, but she wasn’t really sure why. Suddenly, the rod jumped in Greg’s hand. “Woah! I’ve got a nibble!”

Steven raced back over, eyes wide with excitement. 

“Here, give it a try.” Greg held the rod out to her. She hesitated for a moment, but grabbed it. “Yeah! Hold it like this, and reel it in, yeah, nice and slow.”

“Like this?” Lapis asked, reeling gently. She could feel whatever was tugging on the end of the hook. It was big.

All of a sudden, she was jerked forward as the thing fought against the hook, nearly over the railing.

“Lapis!” Steven yelped, grabbing onto her just as Greg lunged forward to grab him. They braced themselves against the side as the fish tugged and pulled at the line.

“You got it Lapis, reel it in!” He grunted. 

“It’s.. pulling.. so hard!” She could see the fish, flailing against the line, dark and blurry. It was bigger than she expected, and it felt oddly familiar. The water around them grew turbulent, waves rising up around the ship. For just a moment, the fish took a different shape with arms reaching towards her. She screamed, throwing the three of them backwards as the rod snapped in half. The water raged for a moment longer, then settled as she caught her breath. Greg and Steven groaned, picking themselves up.

Cautiously, Lapis stepped back up to the rail, but whatever it was had gone. Steven came up behind her.

“Are you okay?” He whispered.

She stood silently. No matter how she answered that, Steven would know in an instant she was lying. 

“Looks like this pole rental turned into a pole purchase.” Greg sighed. “But hey, you did a great job tangling with that beast.”

“Oh, thank you.” Lapis murmured, still looking into the water.

“Well that’s my adventure quota for the day. I’ll be at the controls. Holler if you need me!”

Lapis barely heard Greg, already walking back to the chair, thoughts already swimming through her mind. She shivered. Whatever fish was down there, it was nothing like the Peloceri. It was angry, angry at her, the rod, the whole world. It just felt so familiar.

“Lapis?” Steven asked, pulling her out of her head. “Hey. Whatcha doing?”

“I just thought I’d sit for a bit.” It was safer for everyone that way. She had felt the way the ocean responded to her fear, her frustration. If she had lost control, fishing would’ve turned out much worse for everyone.

“Oh okay. W-well you looked like a real pro fisher before that pole snapped.”

“Thanks.” She said, smiling softly. Leave it to Steven to see the bright side in everything.

“So, fishing was a bust. But I got something that’ll cheer you up. Shuffleboard!” He exclaimed. “What do you say?”

The boat rocked violently, knocking Steven over. He sat up with a groan.

“What was that?” Steven asked, rubbing his head. The boat rocked again with a loud crunch, and Steven fell again. 

“Are you okay?” Lapis asked, using her wings to help him back on his feet.    
  
  
“Yeah.”

“What’s going on?” She stood up. That menacing presence she’d felt ever since the pole had snapped seemed to grow closer.

“Steven you got a moment?” Greg yelled from the helm. Steven ran inside to see Greg frantically flipped through a large book. “Best times to eat caviar, best fishing spots near the Delmarva Key, canned caviar recipes, oyster shucking: a how to guide? How is any of this helpful?”

“Is everything okay First Mate Dad?” Steven asked.

“Shhhh. Do you hear that?”

“Uhh. No.”

“Huh. Guess it stopped. I think something’s wrong with the boat.” He grabbed the wheel, but it didn’t budge. “Aw jeez, something’s throwing off the rudder. I don’t know what’s going on! And this owner’s manual is no help! It’s just advice on suntanning and what crackers go best with caviar.”

“What crackers go best with caviar?”

Greg grinned. “ _ Water crackers _ .”

Steven laughed, but was cut off by a thumping noise, like something walking through the hull. There was an explosion, shaking the whole ship, and smoke billowed out from the engine room. Greg groaned.

“Oh crud. I don’t know how to fix an engine! Looks like this trip’s gonna be a bit longer than we thought little buddy.”

~~***~~

Peridot returned to the barn not long after watching Lazuli and Steven warp off. Steven had told her about his plans, but despite her warning that Lapis and oceans were a bad idea, had gone through with it anyway. At least it gave her some time to herself. Despite feeling lonely without Lapis around, Peridot had grown tired of being nagged about her practicing her new metallokinesis. She grabbed her tablet and opened the recording application.

“Log Date.. something. I really need to remember what I left off at. Anyways, I plan to finish the final edit of my Paulette analysis and run some diagnostic tests on my new ‘metal powers’ as Steven called them. Pearl will be arriving shortly to assist me in this endeavor.”

Armed with her tablet, a box of assorted metal objects, and fierce determination, Peridot sat where they had spent days building the drill. She turned the tablet on, still open to the recording application, and set up a small pallet. She laid out all of the metal as well. There was still some time before Pearl arrived, so Peridot took the time to record some basic data about each object.

The warp pad chimed, signalling Pearl’s presence right on time. “Peridot! I’m so glad you asked me to help.”

“You are.. welcome? I need some assistance in maintaining complete objectivity in my records.”

“Of course. What do you need me to do?”

“For now, I have rated each object based on its size, weight, and molecular complexity. I believe I have determined I can manipulate all Earthen metals, but I have a few more to test before I am absolutely sure. For some reason, there is a whole subsection of metals I have been unable to acquire. Earth literature classifies them as  _ actinide metals _ , whatever that means. If you could help me acquire those fourteen elements, I would be extremely grateful.”

Pearl pursed her lips as she sat on the opposite side of the pallet. “I don’t believe I can help you there. All of those elements were deemed unsafe for organic matter and banned from public use.”

“But we are not organic!”

“Yes, well, we still aren’t allowed to have it.”

“Hmph.” Peridot frowned. “I guess I can assume metallokinesis extends to the actinide metals as well. Then if you would, observe and quantify my ability to lift each of these objects 15 microns above the pallet. I have made a note of what to watch for, including physical effort and time elapsed. Oh, I forgot a stopwatch, hold on!”

Peridot handed Pearl her tablet and ran back into the barn. Each item had an accompanying table, although Peridot had apparently taken the liberty of naming the ones she didn’t recognize. She returned with her stopwatch.

“Here!” Pearl accepted the stopwatch, but Peridot paused. “You look like Lapis does when she is trying to deal with an emotion. Are you okay?”

“Oh, yes, thank you.” Pearl sighed. “I had a recent.. understanding, I guess, and I’m still working out how I feel.”

“I see. Commencing experiment one, trial one: 1 inch contorted wire.” Pearl clicked the stopwatch and waited as Peridot lifted a paper clip. It took 3 seconds. She flipped the paper clip once, spun it, and unbent it easily. Pearl wrote everything down. “Do you want to tell me about this understanding?”

“Well, I do want to tell someone. But the gem I want to tell isn’t around anymore. Ready for experiment two trial one: can. And besides, I don’t want to burden you with my problems.”

“Not.. a burden.” Peridot grunted. It took seven seconds to lift the can, and another four to flip and spin it. It refused to bend, despite the scathing glare she threw at it. “Trust me, I would not ask if I did not want to hear about it.”

“Thank you?” Pearl reset the stopwatch. “Ready for experiment three: uhm. Paint? Why paint?”

“Ah, glad you asked! See, one of the things Lazuli can do is manipulate things with water in it, even if they are not inherently made of water. For example, she can manipulate water color paint, not just the water in the paint. I have determined that this paint is made using chromium oxide, and since I have also determined I can manipulate most metallic elements individually, it stands to reason I can also manipulate things partially comprised of metal.” Peridot froze. “I apologize! I cut you off. You were telling me about your understanding?”

Pearl smiled, shaking her head. “You didn’t cut me off. That’s a fascinating theory. Commencing?”

Peridot nodded, focusing back on the paint. It refused to budge.

“A long time ago, the Renegade Pearl fell in love, but it was never returned to her. She spent over six thousand years pining after a gem who never saw her that way. Maybe never even saw her as anything more than a Pearl. And now, I’ll never know.” Pearl trailed off, looking into the distance. The paint still didn’t move. “Maybe there’s not a high enough concentration of metal in the paint?”

“Hmm. Maybe. That calls for an entirely new set of experiments. As for your understanding, I do not believe anyone could see you as just a Pearl. I have observed you long enough to know you are much more than the constraints society placed on your gem status. Quantifiably so. You are an exceptional gem of exceptional talent. If that other gem did not see you for who you are, then they did not deserve you.”

Pearl laughed, but it wasn’t quite right. To Peridot, it was the laugh you make when everything is going wrong and you have nothing left but to laugh. “She didn’t deserve me. She deserved more than me. I was never enough.”

Peridot looked up at the svelte gem. “I am sorry you feel that way.”   
  


“It’s alright. I understand now, at least. That it’s over. She’s gone, and it’s time I moved on.”

Peridot smiled halfheartedly. “Commencing experiment four trial one: coffee percolator.”

They continued through three trials of each object, Peridot growing more and more sullen as she failed to complete trials. By the end of the last trial, Pearl was nearly fed up. Peridot wasn’t lashing out, yet, but the increasingly hostile behavior was giving her a headache. 

“Peridot what’s wrong?” She finally asked after watching Peridot struggle to levitate everything back into the box. The short gem glared up at her, then back at the stubbornly unmoving paint. 

“I am fine.” 

“No you’re not. You can talk to me.” 

Peridot stood and threw her hands in the air. “It is useless! Despite having this power, it is weak, at best.”

“You don’t have to be powerful Peridot. You aren’t useless.”   
  
“Oh, no I am not useless in general.” She crossed her arms, but uncrossed them again, unable to sit still. “But I am useless to the rebellion, and to the Crystal Gems. And to Lapis, and to Yellow Diamond, and to Earth, and-”

“Peridot!” Pearl cut her off sharply. “You aren’t useless to the Gems or Lapis or Earth. We would never have been able to save this planet without you. We wouldn’t have even known had you not told us the Cluster was getting ready to emerge. You are very important to the Gems. Stars, you came up with the idea to use the injector drills, saving us a lot of building time. As for Lapis, I’m sure you’re important to her too. But you don’t have to be useful for someone to want you around.”

“I do not feel like I belong.” With that Peridot deflated, all her energy dissipating. She sat heavily against the box.

“Belong where?”

“Anywhere. The Gems. The barn. On Earth. On Homeworld. I do not belong anywhere. I failed at being a shard technician. I failed my only mission with the Crystal Gems. I failed at being a Homeworld gem and I am failing at being an Earth gem.” Peridot sighed.

“You do belong. You belong with us.” Pearl scooted over to her, one arm reached out in invitation. Peridot hesitated. “You called Yellow Diamond a clod. You went down to the Cluster with Steven alone to save the world. Just because your plan didn’t work doesn’t mean the mission was a failure. Earth was saved! And the Cluster too! You made friends with Lapis and learned to compromise. You’re a Crystal Gem through and through.”

Peridot blinked, letting the words sink in. Slowly, she leaned into the hug. 

“And besides, the Rebellion was started by gems who failed on Homeworld. It was about repentance for crimes committed, lives lost, and…” Pearl trailed off, but it was enough.

~~***~~

The sky had quickly grown dark with thunderclouds. Steven found Lapis up at the prow, holding onto the railing as she stared down into the tremulous waves.

“Lapis? I have some not so good news.” She didn’t move, barely acknowledged that he had spoken at all. “There’s trouble with the engine, so we might be stuck out here a while.”

Her grip on the rail tightened, and the waves got choppier.

“I’m so sorry! This whole thing is my fault.” Steven wrung his hands. “I just wanted you to have fun but everything’s a mess. I shouldn’t have made you come on this trip.”

“It’s my fault.” Lapis pushed herself away from the railing. “I’m the one to blame.”

“What? That’s not true!”

“I’m really trying to enjoy it out here,” She chuckled drily, shaking her head. “But I can’t stop thinking about being fused as Malachite, how I used all my strength to hold her down in the ocean, how I was always.. battling her. Playing those stupid games.”

“But it’s not like that anymore.” Steven tried to reassure her. “You don’t have to be with Jasper.”

“That’s not it.” She turned away from Steven, whispering, “I miss her.”

“What? But how?”

“We were fused for so long..”

“But.. she’s terrible. She was terrible to you!”

“And I was terrible to her! To everyone! I’ve done horrible things! I broke your dad’s leg, I stole the oceans, I killed-” Lapis cut herself off as the waves rose around them. “I’m awful Steven. Go on, tell me I’m wrong.”

The boat rumbled again, shaking rhythmically as the thunderclouds opened up. Suddenly, an orange hand grasped onto the railing, hoisting a soaking wet figure over the side. Manic yellow eyes peered through a tangled mess of white hair, and Jasper stood up, grinning wildly.

“Finally!” She snarled, and lightning flashed. Lapis felt everything go hot and cold all at once.

“Jasper,” Steven yelped. Lapis stood frozen beside him.

“I thought I’d never catch up to you,” She shook the water from her hair.

“You’ve been following us?” Lapis stammered.

  
Jasper took a step forward, still grinning maniacally. “I’ve been following  _ you _ .”

Lapis gasped, flinching backwards. Steven leapt in front of her, shield already summoned. “Stay back!”

“This dulled down version of Rose Quartz works for you now?” Jasper laughed throatily. “You’re pointing that shield the wrong way.  _ She’s the one you should be afraid of.” _

“T-that’s not true,” Lapis squeaked, but deep down she knew it was.

“Heh. You can’t lie to me.” Jasper pointed a massive finger towards her. “I’ve seen what you’re capable of. I thought I was a brute, but you? You’re a monster.

“I..” Lightning flashed, and Lapis froze. Steven looked up to see a look of abject horror and fear on her face, her fists clenched at her sides. 

“She doesn’t want anything to do with you!” He stepped forward, holding his shield tight.

  
“This is between us!” Jasper snarled back, grabbing the shield and throwing him across the deck. He groaned, eyes shutting to block out the bursts of light dancing through his vision. His shield disappeared, and he shivered at the loss. Lapis tried to dart past Jasper, but was grabbed roughly by the arm. Jasper loosened her grip to hold Lapis’ hand tenderly. She dropped to her knees, looking up.

“Let’s be Malachite again!” Jasper pleaded, desperation making her seem smaller. The ocean thrummed with energy, waves rising high around them. 

“W-why would you want that?” Lapis stumbled over her words, feeling that ever persistent darkness ripple stronger than ever at Jasper’s plea.

“I was wrong about fusion. You made me understand! Malachite was bigger, better, stronger than I’ve ever been. When we worked together, we were unstoppable!”

Lapis faltered. Steven noticed, crying out for her, but she could barely hear him over the wind, the rain, the screaming in her mind. Jasper stood, snapping back at him. 

“I was terrible to you.” Lapis whispered, crossing her arms as her form wavered slightly. “I liked taking everything out on you. I needed to. I-I hated you! It was bad!”

“It’ll be better this time. You’ve changed. I’ve changed.” Jasper took a step forward as Lapis took one back, then another, until Lapis was against the wall of the cabin. She felt the light pulsing, itching to spread. “C’mon, we were so powerful together. I’m the only one who can handle you and-”

“No!” Lapis shrieked, and the waves rose with a purpose this time, condensing into something draconic, but the watery form was all wrong, nothing like the Pelocerus she was trying to emulate. It lunged for Jasper, knocking her backwards, and curled protectively around Lapis, claws digging sharp tears into the wood of the deck. Jasper summoned her crash helmet, but froze at the anger blazing in Lapis’ eyes and the snapping teeth of her new shield. “What we had wasn’t healthy. I never want to feel like I felt with you again. So just, go!”

The draconic creature lunged again, but Jasper dodged, nearly tumbling over the railing as the boat pitched violently to the side. Steven, having just gotten to his feet again, fell over with a cry. Lapis hardly heard it over the rushing in her head. She opened her eyes, not really knowing when they’d closed, to see him clutching the railing, panic clear on his face. For a moment, she wanted it to not matter, she wanted to keep going, to go right back to tearing Jasper apart.

She took a breath. And the waves calmed. The deformed Pelocerus melted back into the ocean.

Steven smiled, and though it didn’t quite reach his eyes, she relaxed. 

“Lapis!” Jasper growled and spindashed forward. Steven’s eyes widened, and he summoned his shield, diving towards them just a moment too late.

“I. Said. No!” Lapis snarled, and then she let go. For a moment, the world disappeared. When it came back, it was different. Wrong. Small. She hovered over the boat, trying to make sense of what had happened.

“Lapis?” Steven yelled. “Lapis!”

She heard him, but everything felt wrong. Her vision was fuzzy, her whole body hurt. She didn’t feel like herself. She tried to land on the boat, but he started yelling, waving her off.

“You’re too big! You’ll break it.” She froze. It all clicked. But this had never happened before. It had never been like this. It was always a Diamond.. She’d never turned unless a Diamond was forcing her. “Lapis? Can you understand me? It’s okay. You’re okay, she’s gone.”

Greg climbed out of the engine room, and paled. “Steven, what is that?”

“Shh, it’s Lapis. I think she’s scared.”

“Steven..” He warned, but didn’t protest anymore when a pink shield materialized. Lapis hovered still, not sure where to go, what to do. She could fly, kind of, but where? She could dive, but Jasper was in the ocean. She wanted to go back to the barn. She wanted Peridot and Camp Pining Hearts and to curl up under the sun and to change back to  _ herself. _

  
“Lapis?” Steven stepped towards the rail, hand outstretched. “Can you land in the water?”

She tried to speak, but it came out as a strangled growl, and she slammed her tail into the water in frustration. Greg jumped forward, but Steven shooed him back again. She shook her head, twirling in the air. Moments before she dove into the water, she heard Steven yelling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALL WILL BE EXPLAINED I PROMISE. We're finally getting to the main arc for Lapis. 
> 
> ALSO! SHEP! IS! MY! FAV! CHARACTER! I! LOVE! THEM! Thank you Crewniverse for including a canon enby human in a good relationship!!!
> 
> Anyway, Happy New Decade!
> 
> Edit: Actinide metals are radioactive, hence why they couldn't acquire any.


End file.
